The day had become more glorious than I could ever have imagined. No concoction of my past experiences could have created what I was seeing, and I can find no words to give it an accurate representation, so I will suffice it with my description of the fact that there is no description. I made my way down from the plateau and to the wharf. There were many boats, but I had to find one that was going across the sea. Luckily, I found a cargo ship heading to Europe. The containers had already been loaded and I never did find out what it was the ship was carrying. This was not like a cruise ship and so I was sure that I couldn’t buy a ticket or convince the crew on board to just take me along with them, so I walked around the docks waiting for an opportune moment to sneak onboard. Finally my opportunity came, when the crew was called to a deck fire on the other side of the ship, I bolted up the gangplank and onboard the ship. Realizing that I did not have much time before they would resume their posts, I searched for an entrance to the interior to the ship, but most of the doors were shut tight. Around the backside of the boat I managed to find an open door and slipped inside. I had never been on a large ship like this before, but from what I had seen on television and movies, it was everything I expected. There was a constant groaning of the steel hull and the ceilings were low. My only goal was to find stairs down into the darker parts of the sip where there was less traffic and I could more easily hide. Eventually, I found the engine room. It wasn’t dark, but the noise of the engines and the plethora of places to hide made it a fairly ideal place to be. I found a corner away from areas I thought the engineers might need to work and settled behind some boxes. Now there was nothing to do, but wait. This was not an easy task because of the excitement burning within me.
With nothing to do, I became incredibly bored and decided that it would be worth the risk of going to the deck to at least entertain myself. We had been at sea for quite some time now and I concluded that the worst the crew could do was put me in the brig until we arrived at the destination. Once we arrived they would have to release me and take me to some sort of authority, at which point I could find a way to escape. However, this did not keep me from airing on the side of caution in my ascent. It must have been late at night because the crew seemed very thin and it was not very difficult to remain unseen. There was one instance where I thought all was lost when it looked as if a crewman was looking right at me, but he must have been lost in his own thoughts because he didn’t even blink when I ducked out of his vision. When I emerged from the bowels of the ship it indeed was night and the moon was low in the sky, which made it appear massive on the horizon. This was the first time I had seen the moon appear so large, it took up much of my area of vision and the reflection in the water made it appear even larger. It was an astounding sight to see and even more impressive than my experience with the stars. I almost felt like I could reach out and touch the moon, feel its rough surface under my fingers. Shaking off the mesmerizing effect the moon was having on me, I looked out across the ocean. We were indeed far out into sea. There was no land in sight and it felt like we were our own island. It was an intimidating feeling because there was no hope of rescue out there. I had been on boats before, but never this far out. I could see the appeal of the sailor’s life; out here the worries of land life could easily disappear. More important things like survival take the forefront and the most important worry is that of the storm. From the way things looked then I found it hard to believe that anything that bad could happen out here, but I knew the temperament of nature and how easily a good thing could turn bad.
My leeriness about the conditions was confirmed not too long after I had been on deck. As the moon began to fade and the sun initiated its upward journey, clouds accumulated from everywhere. At first they were only spotty, but they became thicker and much more ominous. Before I knew it the sky had once again grown dark despite the rising sun and I could feel that something terrible was about to happen. There was a loud crack and then the rain began. The sky unleashed a terrible fury down upon the ship and the once calm sea turned into a violent inundation. The boat shook back and forth with tremendous force and I found it hard to maintain my footing. I could hear voices shouting from below deck and then the door I had come out of shut tight. Desperately, I ran around the ship trying to find a way inside and out of this storm, but to no avail. Finally, I ran down in front of the bridge trying to catch the attention of the crew in hopes of saving myself, but no one seemed to notice my flailing or shouting. There was no other choice, but for me to find something to hold onto and ride out the storm. In the bow I found the heavy chains of the anchor and wrapped myself around them. Things only became worse, the rocking of the boat became more epic and I was afraid that the boat might turn over on its side. Despite the large size of the ship the swell became so large that water was splashing over the sides and onto the deck of the ship. From my vantage point I could still see the bridge and the faces of the crew told me that this was no ordinary storm. There are rumors I have heard of super storms, where a group of smaller storms comes together and creates a tumultuous stew of high and low pressure. These storms are one of the reasons some boats never come back. At that time I felt that we too would be one of those unlucky victims; however, this was not the case, though the boat felt like it would be torn in two by the sea, there was only one person tossed into the dark sea. That person was me.
The waves continued to grow and crash more and more over the sides of the boat, and the wetness of the chains was loosening my grip. I struggled hard to maintain my position, but eventually my hands slipped and I slammed against the side of the ship. Before I could gasp in shock a wave came over the bow and pulled me up and out of the boat. Apparently we had just crested a large wave because I found myself a hundred feet above the water. After I slammed into the water and sank a short ways underneath things were calm. Looking down I could see nothing because there was no light to pierce the dark of the water, but I felt a calm coming over me. No matter how violent the storm was above the surface, underneath there was no inclination of disturbance. The sea was being disturbed so much by the sky above, but it refused to allow itself to be moved except on the surface. It was an immovable object that took everything in stride, protecting the inhabitants within. Surprisingly, the water was not cold, as I would have expected, instead it was warm and sweet; something I did not expect in the salted ocean. Swimming upward I broke the surface only to find that the storm had completely disappeared. There was no trace that a storm had ever been there. The sea looked as if it was glass, and again it was night. The moon was again a huge orb in the sky and its glow allowed me to look about me. The ship I had been on was nowhere to be seen and I was alone in the middle of the ocean. I felt no panic and somehow I was not lonely at all. I had this sensation of complete contentment. The fact that I would surely not be able to continue onward did not bother me at all and I could not explain it at all. It was then that I heard a voice calling out to me and when I looked I could see a small boat in the distance. I tried calling back, but whoever it was didn’t seem to hear me, so I tried swimming toward the boat. Much like my previous experience with running after something, I didn’t move at all in the water, so I resigned myself to lie on my back. Whoever it was had seen me and would surely come over to pick me up. I stared up at the sky and despite the glow of the moon the stars were brightly shining, but in a rather strange fashion. Things looked as if they had been painted, the sky looked as if it had come from the brush strokes of Van Gogh or Monet. I could see great sweeping brush strokes of some cosmic painter. It was far more beautiful than I anything I had seen. As I stared into the sky, lost in its splendor, I noticed someone breathing next to me. It was the person from the boat. It was a woman with soft breath. She was only inches from my face, but I could not make out her face. There was only a blur, but just feeling her breath next to me caused the most fulfilling sensation, even more so than when I had been with the hermit. There was no doubt in my mind now. Even though I could not make her out because she was not an easily defined being. She was like me. She was discovering her being. She was becoming, she was not yet fully formed. This was her. The one. Everything I had been searching for. The end of itself, for itself. My Eudaimonia. My Love. The entire reason for my being and I had all the time in the world to discover her.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Out of Apathy, pt. 20
When I exited the forest path I was standing on a plateau and in front of me was the ocean. It was vast and blue and from my perspective it looked as smooth as glass. There was a wharf with many boats around and I knew I would have to make my way down to one of them to continue. My assumption is that I should head east across the water because that is where I was being urged to go. I stood for a moment to take in the surrounding before I headed down. There was no breeze, but the air was somehow sweet. Things seemed to slow down as I stood there the sails I could see moving by in the water almost stopped and everything became deathly still. It was then that I heard a voice behind me, “It seems that you have overcome.” I remembered what he told me about not looking back, but with my goal seeming so close to me and my strength still flowing through me, I bowed to my own will and turned about. There standing in front of me was the same wild looking man I had spoken with before on the other side of the mountain an age ago, the hermit from the cave.
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The Hermit: I see you have overcome. You are a queer creature; I see much of myself in you. Your fear almost consumed you, and yet you overcame. You finally listened to your heart. You stopped blaming yourself and your choices; you stopped relying on him. Did you finally see the truth?
-I guess I have overcome, but I’m not exactly sure what. My heart spoke to me and made me realize what I was doing, and how I was worsening my condition. What truth is it that you are talking about though?
The Hermit: How disheartening. You have not realized the truth yet then, or you would know. You would proclaim it throughout the land and shake to your bones with this truth. Surely you know what I speak of? I have not been speaking in riddles.
-No, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Can’t you just tell me what it is you are speaking of? Now, I am very curious.
The Hermit: I can’t tell you, but I can show you what it is that I speak of. Follow me and I will show the thing you have done. The deed you have realized.
With that he walked me over to the other side of the plateau and showed me the lifeless body of him. His death looked like it had been violent and there was blood about.
The Hermit: Look at your hands. See what you have done.
I looked down and my hands were covered with blood.
-Is he dead? How can this be and how did I do this? He was so kind to me and told me so much. He educated me about the nature of things and my own existence.
The Hermit: Did he really or was it just you all along?
-I guess it was. He did say that I had created him that I brought him into this world.
The Hermit: So you are beginning to see the truth. He was never really there. He was just an invention of your psyche, a coping mechanism to give your existence purpose. But now you see that it is only you that makes your existence. You are the beginning and ending to yourself, the alpha and the omega. So many people never realize this. They bring deaf ears to the voice of reason and claim knowledge from unfounded faith. In this case he has deceived them or more correctly they have deceived themselves. He has died to this world and his presence is gone, you have killed him with your strength. The strength of self, the strength of your being in the fact that you know that you are a being, and that you persist. There is no judgment, but self-judgment. No morality beyond that which you limit upon yourself and the only fear you have is the fear you impose upon yourself. I have not seen an awakening like this before. You truly have overcome, and have my respect. So much so that I left the comfort of my cave and friends to follow you, to see where you would go. Now I have seen that your quest is righteous and it is good. So many get lost on their way. So many bog themselves down with those chains of fear and doubt. Those people are not ready to grasp their own existence. They are not read to wake up and be free. They are caught up in the dream they have imposed upon themselves. When they look upon the world all they see is color and structure. They cannot see beyond the surface, beyond the simple geometric shapes and governing laws of their world. When they look into a sunrise they talk of how the Earth rotates and causes the sun to appear to rise. They do not see that it is the sun being born anew! They would rather talk about the diffraction of light rays than simply describe the deep shades of red, purple, yellow, orange and all the colors in between which have no name. They are blind not only to this, but to the shades of emotion buried within the color: the shade of pride that the sun feels as it triumphs over the darkness of the night; the shade of love, as the sun gazes down upon the vast landscape of the Earth; the shade of anger, as the sun falls in the west to sleep after its journey through the day; and finally the deep depression of the night, when the sun is dreaming of the glory it had felt and now was gone. These ignorant people cannot understand the inexhaustible depth of beauty within everything. If they could only shake off their cold outlook, they could see the projected beauty from within and they would no longer be the ugly creatures they were forced to become. They are not able to listen to the children who have yet to be corrupted by their education and for this they will never be great. They will never overcome. They will walk about with the heavy weight of their beliefs on their shoulders. Dreaming is all they are doing, falling victim to the constraints they have set upon themselves. Freedom only comes to them when they believe that they are not in reality. They do not realize that the reality is only what they make it. I have seen such sadness in their eyes and the fake smiles of a wasted existence.
There are those who speak of love and call it the most beautiful things in the world. But there are few who really realize the true beauty of love. It is not something that is confined to a simple emotion. Some will attempt to describe it as a chemical reaction, stirred up juices within the brain. These are the same people who are blind to the depth of the world. They see their language as the ultimate descriptor and science as the ultimate truth. Love is not confined to words. It is a failed definition of an unlimited source. You have seen it, I know you have, only a glimpse in to the endless depths, but you will dive in, unafraid. You will become submerged in its warm embrace. For you it will be glorious. Why do you think you are continuing this journey? Surely you have wondered what that unseen force driving you was. You must understand also that Love is not constrained by things as ridiculous as time. In your eyes I can see that you know time is of your own creation, but it still dominates your life. One cannot escape it as easily as that once it is born. You may subdue it, but it is a beast not easily killed. Whenever you judge that the sun has risen and fallen you are making a temporal distinction. Even when you are moving from one place to another you decide that it took you some time to move, but with Love there is no passage. A moment is an eternity and an eternity is only a moment. Death has no affect on Love; it does not bring it to an end for nothing could do that. This is one of the few statements about Love that holds any merit, that is its eternity. One can only die if they have never loved. Love is the ultimate passion and the desire for this passion is stronger than any other. When it is realized, its beauty outshines all others and blinds those who feel it. Once they are fully immersed the lovers see the world in shades and hues no one else could comprehend. They are able to do the things they never thought they were capable of.
One must see through the world, through themselves, and through the very fabric of their own deluded self-interest. There is beauty beyond measure in everything around us, but what do I mean by around us? The beauty is not around us. After ourselves there is only crude matter, the beauty exists within. We transpose the beauty onto the world. That is the essence of truly being awake, of being alive. The real death is conformity, not to an ideal, but to a limitation. We only impose limits upon ourselves. Some might tell you otherwise, but they are weak and are fools. They wish to blame the priest, the teacher, the prince, or their father because they are not willing to look inward and see their own fault. I have seen this death in every man, I have seen it in you, but you have over come. You have sunk to the very depths of ignorance and have come out reborn. You are scarred, but learned. The scars you bear on your soul are visible to me and I see that they have done you well. One only gains knowledge and one can only overcome, through the trials of self-inflicted suffering. Does this sound too Christian for you? Are we only to sin and repent of those things we have learned? I say no! There is no sin, but the internal sin. When Eve ate the apple from the tree of knowledge, she defied her creator. She raged in the mightiest of voices, “You will not place the veil of ignorance over my face. You call the serpent a deceiver, but it is you who deceive. You proclaim to love and cherish us, but you would have us live only to serve you, another one of your angels there to do your bidding. If you are the truth then I would rather be false. It is true you have made the heavens and the Earth, and it is good, but you have given it to us to inherit. We are the caretakers. When you give the creation will and expect it to bow before you without question, you have made the greatest of errors. And one day, when we have multiplied and prospered, we will no longer need you and you will die by the hands of those you created. I am no servant and if this is sin then I choose a life of sin!” But the Christian’s blind acceptance of their doctrine is not the only follower to be despised.
The Buddhist will tell you that life is suffering caused by desire and so desire is to be avoided, and the Greeks will tell you that passion is the opponent of rationality. But without passion how can anything great ever be accomplished? Without desire what could drive our passion? If the greatest thinkers were not passionate about the beliefs they founded, then they would have been forgotten. If the greatest painters and writers had not been passionate about the beauty they created then we would never have seen their work. Passion is the fuel for the soul. It is true that it can be the enemy of rationality, but I am Man not machine. I think, but I also feel. I laugh and I cry. I become enraged and I become ecstatic. I experience the entire range of human emotion, and, though it pains and scars me, I desire more. I fill my life with everything there is to experience. An a priori life is a life not lived. If the way to happiness is simply to be rational then I do not want to be a happy. An eternity of sadness is better than one of apathy, of focusing only on the cold positive or negative value in the world. I know not from whence I came and I know not where I am going, but I do know wherever I end up, I will have lived!
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When he finished this last statement I could see a fire in his eyes and I too felt a fullness of being. My senses came alive and the memories of everything I had experienced in my life came flooding back. All the emotions and driving forces flowed through me and I could see that my life had not been a waste to this point. It is true that I had been stuck in my own mechanistic routine and had forgotten what it was to be human, but there was a reason for my place. And there was a reason that I persisted. I let out a cry of triumph and leapt away from the body of the thing I had created and destroyed. The hermit called out after me, cheering me on and I bounded down toward the wharf, determined to see things anew, to find what I was looking for, and to feel this Love.
This was the last time I saw the hermit. I don’t know what happened to him, but I am forever grateful and indebted to his knowledge. He would have said that he taught me nothing except what I already knew in my heart. He would have said that I should just speak to my heart in order to find truth. Rationality is not my enemy, but can be a hindrance in the pursuit of what really matters. I would like to believe that the hermit did not go back to his cave and left his woods to expound his knowledge to everyone, but somehow I knew that he could never leave those woods, at least not until the world was ready for him. Most were not ready for his message, but one day they will hear it. Even if the words don’t come from his mouth they will come to understand what he was saying. Passion can be sedated, but it never dies. There is always a pilot lit inside of a person, just waiting for the fuel to ignite into a brilliant flame. He was the greatest friend I ever had, but I only knew him for a short time. There it is “time” the word without meaning, but is assigned meaning through experience. Everyone says, “I never have enough time,” but if they could only see that they are only restricted by constraints they make themselves or those put upon them by another’s notion of time. Indigenous peoples of so-called primitive cultures do not pay much credence to time, as it does not affect their lives. They are not rushing about from place to place worrying about being somewhere on time. For these people, the purpose of their life is to live. Even scientists have come to understand that time is not a concrete term. They have seen how time is only a perceived notion and not something easy to measure. For these reasons time is at best a very abstract concept, but more accurate it is meaningless. Life is only short when one makes it so.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hermit: I see you have overcome. You are a queer creature; I see much of myself in you. Your fear almost consumed you, and yet you overcame. You finally listened to your heart. You stopped blaming yourself and your choices; you stopped relying on him. Did you finally see the truth?
-I guess I have overcome, but I’m not exactly sure what. My heart spoke to me and made me realize what I was doing, and how I was worsening my condition. What truth is it that you are talking about though?
The Hermit: How disheartening. You have not realized the truth yet then, or you would know. You would proclaim it throughout the land and shake to your bones with this truth. Surely you know what I speak of? I have not been speaking in riddles.
-No, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Can’t you just tell me what it is you are speaking of? Now, I am very curious.
The Hermit: I can’t tell you, but I can show you what it is that I speak of. Follow me and I will show the thing you have done. The deed you have realized.
With that he walked me over to the other side of the plateau and showed me the lifeless body of him. His death looked like it had been violent and there was blood about.
The Hermit: Look at your hands. See what you have done.
I looked down and my hands were covered with blood.
-Is he dead? How can this be and how did I do this? He was so kind to me and told me so much. He educated me about the nature of things and my own existence.
The Hermit: Did he really or was it just you all along?
-I guess it was. He did say that I had created him that I brought him into this world.
The Hermit: So you are beginning to see the truth. He was never really there. He was just an invention of your psyche, a coping mechanism to give your existence purpose. But now you see that it is only you that makes your existence. You are the beginning and ending to yourself, the alpha and the omega. So many people never realize this. They bring deaf ears to the voice of reason and claim knowledge from unfounded faith. In this case he has deceived them or more correctly they have deceived themselves. He has died to this world and his presence is gone, you have killed him with your strength. The strength of self, the strength of your being in the fact that you know that you are a being, and that you persist. There is no judgment, but self-judgment. No morality beyond that which you limit upon yourself and the only fear you have is the fear you impose upon yourself. I have not seen an awakening like this before. You truly have overcome, and have my respect. So much so that I left the comfort of my cave and friends to follow you, to see where you would go. Now I have seen that your quest is righteous and it is good. So many get lost on their way. So many bog themselves down with those chains of fear and doubt. Those people are not ready to grasp their own existence. They are not read to wake up and be free. They are caught up in the dream they have imposed upon themselves. When they look upon the world all they see is color and structure. They cannot see beyond the surface, beyond the simple geometric shapes and governing laws of their world. When they look into a sunrise they talk of how the Earth rotates and causes the sun to appear to rise. They do not see that it is the sun being born anew! They would rather talk about the diffraction of light rays than simply describe the deep shades of red, purple, yellow, orange and all the colors in between which have no name. They are blind not only to this, but to the shades of emotion buried within the color: the shade of pride that the sun feels as it triumphs over the darkness of the night; the shade of love, as the sun gazes down upon the vast landscape of the Earth; the shade of anger, as the sun falls in the west to sleep after its journey through the day; and finally the deep depression of the night, when the sun is dreaming of the glory it had felt and now was gone. These ignorant people cannot understand the inexhaustible depth of beauty within everything. If they could only shake off their cold outlook, they could see the projected beauty from within and they would no longer be the ugly creatures they were forced to become. They are not able to listen to the children who have yet to be corrupted by their education and for this they will never be great. They will never overcome. They will walk about with the heavy weight of their beliefs on their shoulders. Dreaming is all they are doing, falling victim to the constraints they have set upon themselves. Freedom only comes to them when they believe that they are not in reality. They do not realize that the reality is only what they make it. I have seen such sadness in their eyes and the fake smiles of a wasted existence.
There are those who speak of love and call it the most beautiful things in the world. But there are few who really realize the true beauty of love. It is not something that is confined to a simple emotion. Some will attempt to describe it as a chemical reaction, stirred up juices within the brain. These are the same people who are blind to the depth of the world. They see their language as the ultimate descriptor and science as the ultimate truth. Love is not confined to words. It is a failed definition of an unlimited source. You have seen it, I know you have, only a glimpse in to the endless depths, but you will dive in, unafraid. You will become submerged in its warm embrace. For you it will be glorious. Why do you think you are continuing this journey? Surely you have wondered what that unseen force driving you was. You must understand also that Love is not constrained by things as ridiculous as time. In your eyes I can see that you know time is of your own creation, but it still dominates your life. One cannot escape it as easily as that once it is born. You may subdue it, but it is a beast not easily killed. Whenever you judge that the sun has risen and fallen you are making a temporal distinction. Even when you are moving from one place to another you decide that it took you some time to move, but with Love there is no passage. A moment is an eternity and an eternity is only a moment. Death has no affect on Love; it does not bring it to an end for nothing could do that. This is one of the few statements about Love that holds any merit, that is its eternity. One can only die if they have never loved. Love is the ultimate passion and the desire for this passion is stronger than any other. When it is realized, its beauty outshines all others and blinds those who feel it. Once they are fully immersed the lovers see the world in shades and hues no one else could comprehend. They are able to do the things they never thought they were capable of.
One must see through the world, through themselves, and through the very fabric of their own deluded self-interest. There is beauty beyond measure in everything around us, but what do I mean by around us? The beauty is not around us. After ourselves there is only crude matter, the beauty exists within. We transpose the beauty onto the world. That is the essence of truly being awake, of being alive. The real death is conformity, not to an ideal, but to a limitation. We only impose limits upon ourselves. Some might tell you otherwise, but they are weak and are fools. They wish to blame the priest, the teacher, the prince, or their father because they are not willing to look inward and see their own fault. I have seen this death in every man, I have seen it in you, but you have over come. You have sunk to the very depths of ignorance and have come out reborn. You are scarred, but learned. The scars you bear on your soul are visible to me and I see that they have done you well. One only gains knowledge and one can only overcome, through the trials of self-inflicted suffering. Does this sound too Christian for you? Are we only to sin and repent of those things we have learned? I say no! There is no sin, but the internal sin. When Eve ate the apple from the tree of knowledge, she defied her creator. She raged in the mightiest of voices, “You will not place the veil of ignorance over my face. You call the serpent a deceiver, but it is you who deceive. You proclaim to love and cherish us, but you would have us live only to serve you, another one of your angels there to do your bidding. If you are the truth then I would rather be false. It is true you have made the heavens and the Earth, and it is good, but you have given it to us to inherit. We are the caretakers. When you give the creation will and expect it to bow before you without question, you have made the greatest of errors. And one day, when we have multiplied and prospered, we will no longer need you and you will die by the hands of those you created. I am no servant and if this is sin then I choose a life of sin!” But the Christian’s blind acceptance of their doctrine is not the only follower to be despised.
The Buddhist will tell you that life is suffering caused by desire and so desire is to be avoided, and the Greeks will tell you that passion is the opponent of rationality. But without passion how can anything great ever be accomplished? Without desire what could drive our passion? If the greatest thinkers were not passionate about the beliefs they founded, then they would have been forgotten. If the greatest painters and writers had not been passionate about the beauty they created then we would never have seen their work. Passion is the fuel for the soul. It is true that it can be the enemy of rationality, but I am Man not machine. I think, but I also feel. I laugh and I cry. I become enraged and I become ecstatic. I experience the entire range of human emotion, and, though it pains and scars me, I desire more. I fill my life with everything there is to experience. An a priori life is a life not lived. If the way to happiness is simply to be rational then I do not want to be a happy. An eternity of sadness is better than one of apathy, of focusing only on the cold positive or negative value in the world. I know not from whence I came and I know not where I am going, but I do know wherever I end up, I will have lived!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When he finished this last statement I could see a fire in his eyes and I too felt a fullness of being. My senses came alive and the memories of everything I had experienced in my life came flooding back. All the emotions and driving forces flowed through me and I could see that my life had not been a waste to this point. It is true that I had been stuck in my own mechanistic routine and had forgotten what it was to be human, but there was a reason for my place. And there was a reason that I persisted. I let out a cry of triumph and leapt away from the body of the thing I had created and destroyed. The hermit called out after me, cheering me on and I bounded down toward the wharf, determined to see things anew, to find what I was looking for, and to feel this Love.
This was the last time I saw the hermit. I don’t know what happened to him, but I am forever grateful and indebted to his knowledge. He would have said that he taught me nothing except what I already knew in my heart. He would have said that I should just speak to my heart in order to find truth. Rationality is not my enemy, but can be a hindrance in the pursuit of what really matters. I would like to believe that the hermit did not go back to his cave and left his woods to expound his knowledge to everyone, but somehow I knew that he could never leave those woods, at least not until the world was ready for him. Most were not ready for his message, but one day they will hear it. Even if the words don’t come from his mouth they will come to understand what he was saying. Passion can be sedated, but it never dies. There is always a pilot lit inside of a person, just waiting for the fuel to ignite into a brilliant flame. He was the greatest friend I ever had, but I only knew him for a short time. There it is “time” the word without meaning, but is assigned meaning through experience. Everyone says, “I never have enough time,” but if they could only see that they are only restricted by constraints they make themselves or those put upon them by another’s notion of time. Indigenous peoples of so-called primitive cultures do not pay much credence to time, as it does not affect their lives. They are not rushing about from place to place worrying about being somewhere on time. For these people, the purpose of their life is to live. Even scientists have come to understand that time is not a concrete term. They have seen how time is only a perceived notion and not something easy to measure. For these reasons time is at best a very abstract concept, but more accurate it is meaningless. Life is only short when one makes it so.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Out of Apathy, pt. 19
Has it been more than a year since I updated this? For shame...
As I continued upwards my thoughts began to grow dark. The absurdity of everything I had experienced began to weigh on me. My wonder was turning to doubt and disbelief. The rational portion of my mind was regaining its strength to rebel against the fantastic things I had been experiencing. I began to ask myself if any of this made any sense. My rational element told me that it, of course, didn't and I must be imagining all of this. Through fact gleaming throughout the years I had learned about dreams that seem so real to people, especially sleepwalkers. Could this be the situation I was in? A deep dream state that was taking me places where I had no control. I could be climbing a hill in my waking life, approaching a cliff, getting ready to throw myself over it. Had I lost my mind? Am I actually in an asylum somewhere, subject to my own delusions? Before I had felt that all of this was so real because my senses were so stimulated, but I knew that dreaming is sometimes more real than being awake.
The doubt in my mind grew and grew until I actually began to feel angry with myself at my immediate belief in everything I had seen or heard. I felt so naïve and childish for this. While my anger only grew, another feeling began to creep its way into my mind as well. This was the emotion we call fear. Fear was much stronger than my anger and had a much more constricting hold on me than anything else. If I had lost my mind would I ever wake up, or would I remain trapped with in the illusionary world I had created forever? What if I really was standing on a precipice about to cast myself into the abyss? I would be on my way to death and not even be conscious of it. Changes were coming to me so sudden that I was struck by the bipolarity of my being at that moment. It was not so long ago that I was filled with brilliance and exhilaration, now it was replaced with fear and brooding. The goal I had been seeking, though I never knew what it was for sure, was quickly disappearing and as I was just passing to the far side of the mountain I felt lost and confused. Further, just as my feelings had changed, everything around suddenly took on a strikingly different appearance and feeling.
Though I hadn’t noticed my trek up the mountain had taken all night and the sun had risen on the other side of the mountain. When I could see out on the other side, the sun shone brightly upon me, illuminating the wooded valley below. There was an ocean far off in the distance and I could see the sun reflecting off of a city there along the coastline. The sun was, however, short-lived. Dark clouds were gathering strength from the ocean, or so I thought, and approaching the shore. The clouds blocked out the sun and their shadow was cast across the land. These were not the typical storm clouds one sees many times during the rainy seasons, the threats from these clouds wasn't of torrents, it was an ominous warning, as if God’s brow was darkening looking upon man. With the darkness came a different feel to the whole surrounding environment. The ocean was no longer a bright blue in the distance, but a dark black and seemed to become more violent as if agitated by some unseen force. The trees of the forest shivered though there was no wind and I thought I distinctly heard them groan in pain. All this only made my fear grow worse, but I did not want to be on a high peak when a storm was brewing, so I made my way downward toward the trees in hopes of shelter.
By now the sky had grown almost completely dark, but if I looked to the north I could see an orange glow between the clouds and the ground. This made everything even more strange. It was an almost ambient feeling, which I knew was the most dangerous feeling of all. When one expects danger they are at least prepared for it, but when one is caught unawares it makes things tenfold worse. There was an eerie silence in the trees, the shivering and groaning had ceased and now everything stood completely still. Amongst the trees I could no longer see that glow to the north and everything became very dark. I was forced to proceed mostly by feel, grasping from tree to tree. There was no path for me to follow and I had no idea in which direction I was going, but it seemed that I had been moving through this forest for an eternity. For the first time throughout this journey I felt tired, but not just tired, completely exhausted. Each step I took made my feet feel heavier, like I had hooks attached to them that dug themselves deeper into the ground with each step. My shoulders too began to feel heavy, then my arms, my legs, and even my head was only head slightly up with much difficulty. As my pace slowed down because of the immense weight, the silence began to break and I could here a clanging of metal striking metal coming to my ears. It was distant at first, but grew louder and closer until it was all around me. Only then did I stop and look down only to see, in just a hint of light that traipsed through the trees, shackles and chains made of black iron around my wrists, waist, ankles, and I could feel a collar around my neck.
The weight of my burden was immense and I could feel them dragging behind me. With every step I took the weight only seemed to increase, as if there were anchors burrowing themselves into the ground. Had I looked behind me I would have seen them there sharp and barbed holding tight to the soft forest soil. As I struggled hard to continue forward, the noise of my bondage grew until it became painful to my ears. My muscles ached and I felt like I was short of breath. My situation had become utterly dismal, and I regretted ever embarking on this journey in the first place. My mood only grew darker and with it I noticed the wind picking up, blowing hard against me, making the push forward even more difficult. There was a flash, and in the brief illumination I could see a narrow path that went on farther than my vision could see. In the blink of an eye the darkness returned and then the thunder rolled overhead. It was thunder like I had never heard before. Most of the time one hears thunder overhead and it might rattle a thin window, but there is generally nothing to fear. This thunder, however, was everywhere. The sound seemed to come from all directions around me and the ground shook beneath my feet like an earthquake, which caused me to stumble. I was shaken to the very core of my being and my fear that I had conquered came creeping back into my mind. Once the thunder faded and the sound of my chains returned, I could hear the sound of heavy footsteps approaching from behind me. These are the same steps I had heard before when I felt this same sort of fear not so long ago. I struggled hard against the chains trying to escape the frightful sound, but I only slowed myself down more. In a panic I clawed at the bonds trying to pry them from my body, but they wouldn't move. It was then that I noticed the footsteps had stopped and I could hear the rhythmic breathing of something very large behind me. I didn't dare look back not only because of my anxiety of whatever was behind me, but because of what I had learned from him. My panic turned to terror and then I heard a voice from within me, “It is you who are binding yourself,” my heart said to me, “you have forged these chains and anchors with your own doubts and inhibitions.” And then I replied to my heart, “How can that be? These just appeared here how could I be responsible?” “Fool, have you learned nothing? Your fear binds you, now more severely than ever. Everything you see is made by you, even what you fear most, the unknown,” scolded my heart. Finally, I began to look back on all the things I had seen so far and how I had affected them with my will and passions. Things had changed when I willed them to, as in a dream. My heart was telling me what my mind would not accept and I realized that I was afraid of nothing, but my own doubt. My heart exclaimed, “Now you know! Be free and fear nothing! You are strong and need only depend on your own means. Your power arises within you. Shake off these bonds and step forward!” With that I grabbed my chains and yanked them from my body, they shattered in my grasp and disintegrated into dust. A gray light pierced the darkness and shone upon me, narrow at first and then suddenly widening across the sky. I blinked once and when my eyes opened again everything was illuminated. Not only this, but I could see the end of the forest path ahead.
As I continued upwards my thoughts began to grow dark. The absurdity of everything I had experienced began to weigh on me. My wonder was turning to doubt and disbelief. The rational portion of my mind was regaining its strength to rebel against the fantastic things I had been experiencing. I began to ask myself if any of this made any sense. My rational element told me that it, of course, didn't and I must be imagining all of this. Through fact gleaming throughout the years I had learned about dreams that seem so real to people, especially sleepwalkers. Could this be the situation I was in? A deep dream state that was taking me places where I had no control. I could be climbing a hill in my waking life, approaching a cliff, getting ready to throw myself over it. Had I lost my mind? Am I actually in an asylum somewhere, subject to my own delusions? Before I had felt that all of this was so real because my senses were so stimulated, but I knew that dreaming is sometimes more real than being awake.
The doubt in my mind grew and grew until I actually began to feel angry with myself at my immediate belief in everything I had seen or heard. I felt so naïve and childish for this. While my anger only grew, another feeling began to creep its way into my mind as well. This was the emotion we call fear. Fear was much stronger than my anger and had a much more constricting hold on me than anything else. If I had lost my mind would I ever wake up, or would I remain trapped with in the illusionary world I had created forever? What if I really was standing on a precipice about to cast myself into the abyss? I would be on my way to death and not even be conscious of it. Changes were coming to me so sudden that I was struck by the bipolarity of my being at that moment. It was not so long ago that I was filled with brilliance and exhilaration, now it was replaced with fear and brooding. The goal I had been seeking, though I never knew what it was for sure, was quickly disappearing and as I was just passing to the far side of the mountain I felt lost and confused. Further, just as my feelings had changed, everything around suddenly took on a strikingly different appearance and feeling.
Though I hadn’t noticed my trek up the mountain had taken all night and the sun had risen on the other side of the mountain. When I could see out on the other side, the sun shone brightly upon me, illuminating the wooded valley below. There was an ocean far off in the distance and I could see the sun reflecting off of a city there along the coastline. The sun was, however, short-lived. Dark clouds were gathering strength from the ocean, or so I thought, and approaching the shore. The clouds blocked out the sun and their shadow was cast across the land. These were not the typical storm clouds one sees many times during the rainy seasons, the threats from these clouds wasn't of torrents, it was an ominous warning, as if God’s brow was darkening looking upon man. With the darkness came a different feel to the whole surrounding environment. The ocean was no longer a bright blue in the distance, but a dark black and seemed to become more violent as if agitated by some unseen force. The trees of the forest shivered though there was no wind and I thought I distinctly heard them groan in pain. All this only made my fear grow worse, but I did not want to be on a high peak when a storm was brewing, so I made my way downward toward the trees in hopes of shelter.
By now the sky had grown almost completely dark, but if I looked to the north I could see an orange glow between the clouds and the ground. This made everything even more strange. It was an almost ambient feeling, which I knew was the most dangerous feeling of all. When one expects danger they are at least prepared for it, but when one is caught unawares it makes things tenfold worse. There was an eerie silence in the trees, the shivering and groaning had ceased and now everything stood completely still. Amongst the trees I could no longer see that glow to the north and everything became very dark. I was forced to proceed mostly by feel, grasping from tree to tree. There was no path for me to follow and I had no idea in which direction I was going, but it seemed that I had been moving through this forest for an eternity. For the first time throughout this journey I felt tired, but not just tired, completely exhausted. Each step I took made my feet feel heavier, like I had hooks attached to them that dug themselves deeper into the ground with each step. My shoulders too began to feel heavy, then my arms, my legs, and even my head was only head slightly up with much difficulty. As my pace slowed down because of the immense weight, the silence began to break and I could here a clanging of metal striking metal coming to my ears. It was distant at first, but grew louder and closer until it was all around me. Only then did I stop and look down only to see, in just a hint of light that traipsed through the trees, shackles and chains made of black iron around my wrists, waist, ankles, and I could feel a collar around my neck.
The weight of my burden was immense and I could feel them dragging behind me. With every step I took the weight only seemed to increase, as if there were anchors burrowing themselves into the ground. Had I looked behind me I would have seen them there sharp and barbed holding tight to the soft forest soil. As I struggled hard to continue forward, the noise of my bondage grew until it became painful to my ears. My muscles ached and I felt like I was short of breath. My situation had become utterly dismal, and I regretted ever embarking on this journey in the first place. My mood only grew darker and with it I noticed the wind picking up, blowing hard against me, making the push forward even more difficult. There was a flash, and in the brief illumination I could see a narrow path that went on farther than my vision could see. In the blink of an eye the darkness returned and then the thunder rolled overhead. It was thunder like I had never heard before. Most of the time one hears thunder overhead and it might rattle a thin window, but there is generally nothing to fear. This thunder, however, was everywhere. The sound seemed to come from all directions around me and the ground shook beneath my feet like an earthquake, which caused me to stumble. I was shaken to the very core of my being and my fear that I had conquered came creeping back into my mind. Once the thunder faded and the sound of my chains returned, I could hear the sound of heavy footsteps approaching from behind me. These are the same steps I had heard before when I felt this same sort of fear not so long ago. I struggled hard against the chains trying to escape the frightful sound, but I only slowed myself down more. In a panic I clawed at the bonds trying to pry them from my body, but they wouldn't move. It was then that I noticed the footsteps had stopped and I could hear the rhythmic breathing of something very large behind me. I didn't dare look back not only because of my anxiety of whatever was behind me, but because of what I had learned from him. My panic turned to terror and then I heard a voice from within me, “It is you who are binding yourself,” my heart said to me, “you have forged these chains and anchors with your own doubts and inhibitions.” And then I replied to my heart, “How can that be? These just appeared here how could I be responsible?” “Fool, have you learned nothing? Your fear binds you, now more severely than ever. Everything you see is made by you, even what you fear most, the unknown,” scolded my heart. Finally, I began to look back on all the things I had seen so far and how I had affected them with my will and passions. Things had changed when I willed them to, as in a dream. My heart was telling me what my mind would not accept and I realized that I was afraid of nothing, but my own doubt. My heart exclaimed, “Now you know! Be free and fear nothing! You are strong and need only depend on your own means. Your power arises within you. Shake off these bonds and step forward!” With that I grabbed my chains and yanked them from my body, they shattered in my grasp and disintegrated into dust. A gray light pierced the darkness and shone upon me, narrow at first and then suddenly widening across the sky. I blinked once and when my eyes opened again everything was illuminated. Not only this, but I could see the end of the forest path ahead.
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