Has it been more than a year since I updated this? For shame...
As I continued upwards my thoughts began to grow dark. The absurdity of everything I had experienced began to weigh on me. My wonder was turning to doubt and disbelief. The rational portion of my mind was regaining its strength to rebel against the fantastic things I had been experiencing. I began to ask myself if any of this made any sense. My rational element told me that it, of course, didn't and I must be imagining all of this. Through fact gleaming throughout the years I had learned about dreams that seem so real to people, especially sleepwalkers. Could this be the situation I was in? A deep dream state that was taking me places where I had no control. I could be climbing a hill in my waking life, approaching a cliff, getting ready to throw myself over it. Had I lost my mind? Am I actually in an asylum somewhere, subject to my own delusions? Before I had felt that all of this was so real because my senses were so stimulated, but I knew that dreaming is sometimes more real than being awake.
The doubt in my mind grew and grew until I actually began to feel angry with myself at my immediate belief in everything I had seen or heard. I felt so naïve and childish for this. While my anger only grew, another feeling began to creep its way into my mind as well. This was the emotion we call fear. Fear was much stronger than my anger and had a much more constricting hold on me than anything else. If I had lost my mind would I ever wake up, or would I remain trapped with in the illusionary world I had created forever? What if I really was standing on a precipice about to cast myself into the abyss? I would be on my way to death and not even be conscious of it. Changes were coming to me so sudden that I was struck by the bipolarity of my being at that moment. It was not so long ago that I was filled with brilliance and exhilaration, now it was replaced with fear and brooding. The goal I had been seeking, though I never knew what it was for sure, was quickly disappearing and as I was just passing to the far side of the mountain I felt lost and confused. Further, just as my feelings had changed, everything around suddenly took on a strikingly different appearance and feeling.
Though I hadn’t noticed my trek up the mountain had taken all night and the sun had risen on the other side of the mountain. When I could see out on the other side, the sun shone brightly upon me, illuminating the wooded valley below. There was an ocean far off in the distance and I could see the sun reflecting off of a city there along the coastline. The sun was, however, short-lived. Dark clouds were gathering strength from the ocean, or so I thought, and approaching the shore. The clouds blocked out the sun and their shadow was cast across the land. These were not the typical storm clouds one sees many times during the rainy seasons, the threats from these clouds wasn't of torrents, it was an ominous warning, as if God’s brow was darkening looking upon man. With the darkness came a different feel to the whole surrounding environment. The ocean was no longer a bright blue in the distance, but a dark black and seemed to become more violent as if agitated by some unseen force. The trees of the forest shivered though there was no wind and I thought I distinctly heard them groan in pain. All this only made my fear grow worse, but I did not want to be on a high peak when a storm was brewing, so I made my way downward toward the trees in hopes of shelter.
By now the sky had grown almost completely dark, but if I looked to the north I could see an orange glow between the clouds and the ground. This made everything even more strange. It was an almost ambient feeling, which I knew was the most dangerous feeling of all. When one expects danger they are at least prepared for it, but when one is caught unawares it makes things tenfold worse. There was an eerie silence in the trees, the shivering and groaning had ceased and now everything stood completely still. Amongst the trees I could no longer see that glow to the north and everything became very dark. I was forced to proceed mostly by feel, grasping from tree to tree. There was no path for me to follow and I had no idea in which direction I was going, but it seemed that I had been moving through this forest for an eternity. For the first time throughout this journey I felt tired, but not just tired, completely exhausted. Each step I took made my feet feel heavier, like I had hooks attached to them that dug themselves deeper into the ground with each step. My shoulders too began to feel heavy, then my arms, my legs, and even my head was only head slightly up with much difficulty. As my pace slowed down because of the immense weight, the silence began to break and I could here a clanging of metal striking metal coming to my ears. It was distant at first, but grew louder and closer until it was all around me. Only then did I stop and look down only to see, in just a hint of light that traipsed through the trees, shackles and chains made of black iron around my wrists, waist, ankles, and I could feel a collar around my neck.
The weight of my burden was immense and I could feel them dragging behind me. With every step I took the weight only seemed to increase, as if there were anchors burrowing themselves into the ground. Had I looked behind me I would have seen them there sharp and barbed holding tight to the soft forest soil. As I struggled hard to continue forward, the noise of my bondage grew until it became painful to my ears. My muscles ached and I felt like I was short of breath. My situation had become utterly dismal, and I regretted ever embarking on this journey in the first place. My mood only grew darker and with it I noticed the wind picking up, blowing hard against me, making the push forward even more difficult. There was a flash, and in the brief illumination I could see a narrow path that went on farther than my vision could see. In the blink of an eye the darkness returned and then the thunder rolled overhead. It was thunder like I had never heard before. Most of the time one hears thunder overhead and it might rattle a thin window, but there is generally nothing to fear. This thunder, however, was everywhere. The sound seemed to come from all directions around me and the ground shook beneath my feet like an earthquake, which caused me to stumble. I was shaken to the very core of my being and my fear that I had conquered came creeping back into my mind. Once the thunder faded and the sound of my chains returned, I could hear the sound of heavy footsteps approaching from behind me. These are the same steps I had heard before when I felt this same sort of fear not so long ago. I struggled hard against the chains trying to escape the frightful sound, but I only slowed myself down more. In a panic I clawed at the bonds trying to pry them from my body, but they wouldn't move. It was then that I noticed the footsteps had stopped and I could hear the rhythmic breathing of something very large behind me. I didn't dare look back not only because of my anxiety of whatever was behind me, but because of what I had learned from him. My panic turned to terror and then I heard a voice from within me, “It is you who are binding yourself,” my heart said to me, “you have forged these chains and anchors with your own doubts and inhibitions.” And then I replied to my heart, “How can that be? These just appeared here how could I be responsible?” “Fool, have you learned nothing? Your fear binds you, now more severely than ever. Everything you see is made by you, even what you fear most, the unknown,” scolded my heart. Finally, I began to look back on all the things I had seen so far and how I had affected them with my will and passions. Things had changed when I willed them to, as in a dream. My heart was telling me what my mind would not accept and I realized that I was afraid of nothing, but my own doubt. My heart exclaimed, “Now you know! Be free and fear nothing! You are strong and need only depend on your own means. Your power arises within you. Shake off these bonds and step forward!” With that I grabbed my chains and yanked them from my body, they shattered in my grasp and disintegrated into dust. A gray light pierced the darkness and shone upon me, narrow at first and then suddenly widening across the sky. I blinked once and when my eyes opened again everything was illuminated. Not only this, but I could see the end of the forest path ahead.
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