Out of Apathy, Pt. 21 Finale

The day had become more glorious than I could ever have imagined. No concoction of my past experiences could have created what I was seeing, and I can find no words to give it an accurate representation, so I will suffice it with my description of the fact that there is no description. I made my way down from the plateau and to the wharf. There were many boats, but I had to find one that was going across the sea. Luckily, I found a cargo ship heading to Europe. The containers had already been loaded and I never did find out what it was the ship was carrying. This was not like a cruise ship and so I was sure that I couldn’t buy a ticket or convince the crew on board to just take me along with them, so I walked around the docks waiting for an opportune moment to sneak onboard. Finally my opportunity came, when the crew was called to a deck fire on the other side of the ship, I bolted up the gangplank and onboard the ship. Realizing that I did not have much time before they would resume their posts, I searched for an entrance to the interior to the ship, but most of the doors were shut tight. Around the backside of the boat I managed to find an open door and slipped inside. I had never been on a large ship like this before, but from what I had seen on television and movies, it was everything I expected. There was a constant groaning of the steel hull and the ceilings were low. My only goal was to find stairs down into the darker parts of the sip where there was less traffic and I could more easily hide. Eventually, I found the engine room. It wasn’t dark, but the noise of the engines and the plethora of places to hide made it a fairly ideal place to be. I found a corner away from areas I thought the engineers might need to work and settled behind some boxes. Now there was nothing to do, but wait. This was not an easy task because of the excitement burning within me.


With nothing to do, I became incredibly bored and decided that it would be worth the risk of going to the deck to at least entertain myself. We had been at sea for quite some time now and I concluded that the worst the crew could do was put me in the brig until we arrived at the destination. Once we arrived they would have to release me and take me to some sort of authority, at which point I could find a way to escape. However, this did not keep me from airing on the side of caution in my ascent. It must have been late at night because the crew seemed very thin and it was not very difficult to remain unseen. There was one instance where I thought all was lost when it looked as if a crewman was looking right at me, but he must have been lost in his own thoughts because he didn’t even blink when I ducked out of his vision. When I emerged from the bowels of the ship it indeed was night and the moon was low in the sky, which made it appear massive on the horizon. This was the first time I had seen the moon appear so large, it took up much of my area of vision and the reflection in the water made it appear even larger. It was an astounding sight to see and even more impressive than my experience with the stars. I almost felt like I could reach out and touch the moon, feel its rough surface under my fingers. Shaking off the mesmerizing effect the moon was having on me, I looked out across the ocean. We were indeed far out into sea. There was no land in sight and it felt like we were our own island. It was an intimidating feeling because there was no hope of rescue out there. I had been on boats before, but never this far out. I could see the appeal of the sailor’s life; out here the worries of land life could easily disappear. More important things like survival take the forefront and the most important worry is that of the storm. From the way things looked then I found it hard to believe that anything that bad could happen out here, but I knew the temperament of nature and how easily a good thing could turn bad.


My leeriness about the conditions was confirmed not too long after I had been on deck. As the moon began to fade and the sun initiated its upward journey, clouds accumulated from everywhere. At first they were only spotty, but they became thicker and much more ominous. Before I knew it the sky had once again grown dark despite the rising sun and I could feel that something terrible was about to happen. There was a loud crack and then the rain began. The sky unleashed a terrible fury down upon the ship and the once calm sea turned into a violent inundation. The boat shook back and forth with tremendous force and I found it hard to maintain my footing. I could hear voices shouting from below deck and then the door I had come out of shut tight. Desperately, I ran around the ship trying to find a way inside and out of this storm, but to no avail. Finally, I ran down in front of the bridge trying to catch the attention of the crew in hopes of saving myself, but no one seemed to notice my flailing or shouting. There was no other choice, but for me to find something to hold onto and ride out the storm. In the bow I found the heavy chains of the anchor and wrapped myself around them. Things only became worse, the rocking of the boat became more epic and I was afraid that the boat might turn over on its side. Despite the large size of the ship the swell became so large that water was splashing over the sides and onto the deck of the ship. From my vantage point I could still see the bridge and the faces of the crew told me that this was no ordinary storm. There are rumors I have heard of super storms, where a group of smaller storms comes together and creates a tumultuous stew of high and low pressure. These storms are one of the reasons some boats never come back. At that time I felt that we too would be one of those unlucky victims; however, this was not the case, though the boat felt like it would be torn in two by the sea, there was only one person tossed into the dark sea. That person was me.


The waves continued to grow and crash more and more over the sides of the boat, and the wetness of the chains was loosening my grip. I struggled hard to maintain my position, but eventually my hands slipped and I slammed against the side of the ship. Before I could gasp in shock a wave came over the bow and pulled me up and out of the boat. Apparently we had just crested a large wave because I found myself a hundred feet above the water. After I slammed into the water and sank a short ways underneath things were calm. Looking down I could see nothing because there was no light to pierce the dark of the water, but I felt a calm coming over me. No matter how violent the storm was above the surface, underneath there was no inclination of disturbance. The sea was being disturbed so much by the sky above, but it refused to allow itself to be moved except on the surface. It was an immovable object that took everything in stride, protecting the inhabitants within. Surprisingly, the water was not cold, as I would have expected, instead it was warm and sweet; something I did not expect in the salted ocean. Swimming upward I broke the surface only to find that the storm had completely disappeared. There was no trace that a storm had ever been there. The sea looked as if it was glass, and again it was night. The moon was again a huge orb in the sky and its glow allowed me to look about me. The ship I had been on was nowhere to be seen and I was alone in the middle of the ocean. I felt no panic and somehow I was not lonely at all. I had this sensation of complete contentment. The fact that I would surely not be able to continue onward did not bother me at all and I could not explain it at all. It was then that I heard a voice calling out to me and when I looked I could see a small boat in the distance. I tried calling back, but whoever it was didn’t seem to hear me, so I tried swimming toward the boat. Much like my previous experience with running after something, I didn’t move at all in the water, so I resigned myself to lie on my back. Whoever it was had seen me and would surely come over to pick me up. I stared up at the sky and despite the glow of the moon the stars were brightly shining, but in a rather strange fashion. Things looked as if they had been painted, the sky looked as if it had come from the brush strokes of Van Gogh or Monet. I could see great sweeping brush strokes of some cosmic painter. It was far more beautiful than I anything I had seen. As I stared into the sky, lost in its splendor, I noticed someone breathing next to me. It was the person from the boat. It was a woman with soft breath. She was only inches from my face, but I could not make out her face. There was only a blur, but just feeling her breath next to me caused the most fulfilling sensation, even more so than when I had been with the hermit. There was no doubt in my mind now. Even though I could not make her out because she was not an easily defined being. She was like me. She was discovering her being. She was becoming, she was not yet fully formed. This was her. The one. Everything I had been searching for. The end of itself, for itself. My Eudaimonia. My Love. The entire reason for my being and I had all the time in the world to discover her.

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Out of Apathy, pt. 20

When I exited the forest path I was standing on a plateau and in front of me was the ocean. It was vast and blue and from my perspective it looked as smooth as glass. There was a wharf with many boats around and I knew I would have to make my way down to one of them to continue. My assumption is that I should head east across the water because that is where I was being urged to go. I stood for a moment to take in the surrounding before I headed down. There was no breeze, but the air was somehow sweet. Things seemed to slow down as I stood there the sails I could see moving by in the water almost stopped and everything became deathly still. It was then that I heard a voice behind me, “It seems that you have overcome.” I remembered what he told me about not looking back, but with my goal seeming so close to me and my strength still flowing through me, I bowed to my own will and turned about. There standing in front of me was the same wild looking man I had spoken with before on the other side of the mountain an age ago, the hermit from the cave.

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The Hermit: I see you have overcome. You are a queer creature; I see much of myself in you. Your fear almost consumed you, and yet you overcame. You finally listened to your heart. You stopped blaming yourself and your choices; you stopped relying on him. Did you finally see the truth?

-I guess I have overcome, but I’m not exactly sure what. My heart spoke to me and made me realize what I was doing, and how I was worsening my condition. What truth is it that you are talking about though?

The Hermit: How disheartening. You have not realized the truth yet then, or you would know. You would proclaim it throughout the land and shake to your bones with this truth. Surely you know what I speak of? I have not been speaking in riddles.

-No, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Can’t you just tell me what it is you are speaking of? Now, I am very curious.

The Hermit: I can’t tell you, but I can show you what it is that I speak of. Follow me and I will show the thing you have done. The deed you have realized.
With that he walked me over to the other side of the plateau and showed me the lifeless body of him. His death looked like it had been violent and there was blood about.

The Hermit: Look at your hands. See what you have done.

I looked down and my hands were covered with blood.

-Is he dead? How can this be and how did I do this? He was so kind to me and told me so much. He educated me about the nature of things and my own existence.

The Hermit: Did he really or was it just you all along?

-I guess it was. He did say that I had created him that I brought him into this world.

The Hermit: So you are beginning to see the truth. He was never really there. He was just an invention of your psyche, a coping mechanism to give your existence purpose. But now you see that it is only you that makes your existence. You are the beginning and ending to yourself, the alpha and the omega. So many people never realize this. They bring deaf ears to the voice of reason and claim knowledge from unfounded faith. In this case he has deceived them or more correctly they have deceived themselves. He has died to this world and his presence is gone, you have killed him with your strength. The strength of self, the strength of your being in the fact that you know that you are a being, and that you persist. There is no judgment, but self-judgment. No morality beyond that which you limit upon yourself and the only fear you have is the fear you impose upon yourself. I have not seen an awakening like this before. You truly have overcome, and have my respect. So much so that I left the comfort of my cave and friends to follow you, to see where you would go. Now I have seen that your quest is righteous and it is good. So many get lost on their way. So many bog themselves down with those chains of fear and doubt. Those people are not ready to grasp their own existence. They are not read to wake up and be free. They are caught up in the dream they have imposed upon themselves. When they look upon the world all they see is color and structure. They cannot see beyond the surface, beyond the simple geometric shapes and governing laws of their world. When they look into a sunrise they talk of how the Earth rotates and causes the sun to appear to rise. They do not see that it is the sun being born anew! They would rather talk about the diffraction of light rays than simply describe the deep shades of red, purple, yellow, orange and all the colors in between which have no name. They are blind not only to this, but to the shades of emotion buried within the color: the shade of pride that the sun feels as it triumphs over the darkness of the night; the shade of love, as the sun gazes down upon the vast landscape of the Earth; the shade of anger, as the sun falls in the west to sleep after its journey through the day; and finally the deep depression of the night, when the sun is dreaming of the glory it had felt and now was gone. These ignorant people cannot understand the inexhaustible depth of beauty within everything. If they could only shake off their cold outlook, they could see the projected beauty from within and they would no longer be the ugly creatures they were forced to become. They are not able to listen to the children who have yet to be corrupted by their education and for this they will never be great. They will never overcome. They will walk about with the heavy weight of their beliefs on their shoulders. Dreaming is all they are doing, falling victim to the constraints they have set upon themselves. Freedom only comes to them when they believe that they are not in reality. They do not realize that the reality is only what they make it. I have seen such sadness in their eyes and the fake smiles of a wasted existence.

There are those who speak of love and call it the most beautiful things in the world. But there are few who really realize the true beauty of love. It is not something that is confined to a simple emotion. Some will attempt to describe it as a chemical reaction, stirred up juices within the brain. These are the same people who are blind to the depth of the world. They see their language as the ultimate descriptor and science as the ultimate truth. Love is not confined to words. It is a failed definition of an unlimited source. You have seen it, I know you have, only a glimpse in to the endless depths, but you will dive in, unafraid. You will become submerged in its warm embrace. For you it will be glorious. Why do you think you are continuing this journey? Surely you have wondered what that unseen force driving you was. You must understand also that Love is not constrained by things as ridiculous as time. In your eyes I can see that you know time is of your own creation, but it still dominates your life. One cannot escape it as easily as that once it is born. You may subdue it, but it is a beast not easily killed. Whenever you judge that the sun has risen and fallen you are making a temporal distinction. Even when you are moving from one place to another you decide that it took you some time to move, but with Love there is no passage. A moment is an eternity and an eternity is only a moment. Death has no affect on Love; it does not bring it to an end for nothing could do that. This is one of the few statements about Love that holds any merit, that is its eternity. One can only die if they have never loved. Love is the ultimate passion and the desire for this passion is stronger than any other. When it is realized, its beauty outshines all others and blinds those who feel it. Once they are fully immersed the lovers see the world in shades and hues no one else could comprehend. They are able to do the things they never thought they were capable of.

One must see through the world, through themselves, and through the very fabric of their own deluded self-interest. There is beauty beyond measure in everything around us, but what do I mean by around us? The beauty is not around us. After ourselves there is only crude matter, the beauty exists within. We transpose the beauty onto the world. That is the essence of truly being awake, of being alive. The real death is conformity, not to an ideal, but to a limitation. We only impose limits upon ourselves. Some might tell you otherwise, but they are weak and are fools. They wish to blame the priest, the teacher, the prince, or their father because they are not willing to look inward and see their own fault. I have seen this death in every man, I have seen it in you, but you have over come. You have sunk to the very depths of ignorance and have come out reborn. You are scarred, but learned. The scars you bear on your soul are visible to me and I see that they have done you well. One only gains knowledge and one can only overcome, through the trials of self-inflicted suffering. Does this sound too Christian for you? Are we only to sin and repent of those things we have learned? I say no! There is no sin, but the internal sin. When Eve ate the apple from the tree of knowledge, she defied her creator. She raged in the mightiest of voices, “You will not place the veil of ignorance over my face. You call the serpent a deceiver, but it is you who deceive. You proclaim to love and cherish us, but you would have us live only to serve you, another one of your angels there to do your bidding. If you are the truth then I would rather be false. It is true you have made the heavens and the Earth, and it is good, but you have given it to us to inherit. We are the caretakers. When you give the creation will and expect it to bow before you without question, you have made the greatest of errors. And one day, when we have multiplied and prospered, we will no longer need you and you will die by the hands of those you created. I am no servant and if this is sin then I choose a life of sin!” But the Christian’s blind acceptance of their doctrine is not the only follower to be despised.

The Buddhist will tell you that life is suffering caused by desire and so desire is to be avoided, and the Greeks will tell you that passion is the opponent of rationality. But without passion how can anything great ever be accomplished? Without desire what could drive our passion? If the greatest thinkers were not passionate about the beliefs they founded, then they would have been forgotten. If the greatest painters and writers had not been passionate about the beauty they created then we would never have seen their work. Passion is the fuel for the soul. It is true that it can be the enemy of rationality, but I am Man not machine. I think, but I also feel. I laugh and I cry. I become enraged and I become ecstatic. I experience the entire range of human emotion, and, though it pains and scars me, I desire more. I fill my life with everything there is to experience. An a priori life is a life not lived. If the way to happiness is simply to be rational then I do not want to be a happy. An eternity of sadness is better than one of apathy, of focusing only on the cold positive or negative value in the world. I know not from whence I came and I know not where I am going, but I do know wherever I end up, I will have lived!

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When he finished this last statement I could see a fire in his eyes and I too felt a fullness of being. My senses came alive and the memories of everything I had experienced in my life came flooding back. All the emotions and driving forces flowed through me and I could see that my life had not been a waste to this point. It is true that I had been stuck in my own mechanistic routine and had forgotten what it was to be human, but there was a reason for my place. And there was a reason that I persisted. I let out a cry of triumph and leapt away from the body of the thing I had created and destroyed. The hermit called out after me, cheering me on and I bounded down toward the wharf, determined to see things anew, to find what I was looking for, and to feel this Love.

This was the last time I saw the hermit. I don’t know what happened to him, but I am forever grateful and indebted to his knowledge. He would have said that he taught me nothing except what I already knew in my heart. He would have said that I should just speak to my heart in order to find truth. Rationality is not my enemy, but can be a hindrance in the pursuit of what really matters. I would like to believe that the hermit did not go back to his cave and left his woods to expound his knowledge to everyone, but somehow I knew that he could never leave those woods, at least not until the world was ready for him. Most were not ready for his message, but one day they will hear it. Even if the words don’t come from his mouth they will come to understand what he was saying. Passion can be sedated, but it never dies. There is always a pilot lit inside of a person, just waiting for the fuel to ignite into a brilliant flame. He was the greatest friend I ever had, but I only knew him for a short time. There it is “time” the word without meaning, but is assigned meaning through experience. Everyone says, “I never have enough time,” but if they could only see that they are only restricted by constraints they make themselves or those put upon them by another’s notion of time. Indigenous peoples of so-called primitive cultures do not pay much credence to time, as it does not affect their lives. They are not rushing about from place to place worrying about being somewhere on time. For these people, the purpose of their life is to live. Even scientists have come to understand that time is not a concrete term. They have seen how time is only a perceived notion and not something easy to measure. For these reasons time is at best a very abstract concept, but more accurate it is meaningless. Life is only short when one makes it so.

Out of Apathy, pt. 19

Has it been more than a year since I updated this? For shame...

As I continued upwards my thoughts began to grow dark. The absurdity of everything I had experienced began to weigh on me. My wonder was turning to doubt and disbelief. The rational portion of my mind was regaining its strength to rebel against the fantastic things I had been experiencing. I began to ask myself if any of this made any sense. My rational element told me that it, of course, didn't and I must be imagining all of this. Through fact gleaming throughout the years I had learned about dreams that seem so real to people, especially sleepwalkers. Could this be the situation I was in? A deep dream state that was taking me places where I had no control. I could be climbing a hill in my waking life, approaching a cliff, getting ready to throw myself over it. Had I lost my mind? Am I actually in an asylum somewhere, subject to my own delusions? Before I had felt that all of this was so real because my senses were so stimulated, but I knew that dreaming is sometimes more real than being awake.

The doubt in my mind grew and grew until I actually began to feel angry with myself at my immediate belief in everything I had seen or heard. I felt so naïve and childish for this. While my anger only grew, another feeling began to creep its way into my mind as well. This was the emotion we call fear. Fear was much stronger than my anger and had a much more constricting hold on me than anything else. If I had lost my mind would I ever wake up, or would I remain trapped with in the illusionary world I had created forever? What if I really was standing on a precipice about to cast myself into the abyss? I would be on my way to death and not even be conscious of it. Changes were coming to me so sudden that I was struck by the bipolarity of my being at that moment. It was not so long ago that I was filled with brilliance and exhilaration, now it was replaced with fear and brooding. The goal I had been seeking, though I never knew what it was for sure, was quickly disappearing and as I was just passing to the far side of the mountain I felt lost and confused. Further, just as my feelings had changed, everything around suddenly took on a strikingly different appearance and feeling.


Though I hadn’t noticed my trek up the mountain had taken all night and the sun had risen on the other side of the mountain. When I could see out on the other side, the sun shone brightly upon me, illuminating the wooded valley below. There was an ocean far off in the distance and I could see the sun reflecting off of a city there along the coastline. The sun was, however, short-lived. Dark clouds were gathering strength from the ocean, or so I thought, and approaching the shore. The clouds blocked out the sun and their shadow was cast across the land. These were not the typical storm clouds one sees many times during the rainy seasons, the threats from these clouds wasn't of torrents, it was an ominous warning, as if God’s brow was darkening looking upon man. With the darkness came a different feel to the whole surrounding environment. The ocean was no longer a bright blue in the distance, but a dark black and seemed to become more violent as if agitated by some unseen force. The trees of the forest shivered though there was no wind and I thought I distinctly heard them groan in pain. All this only made my fear grow worse, but I did not want to be on a high peak when a storm was brewing, so I made my way downward toward the trees in hopes of shelter.

By now the sky had grown almost completely dark, but if I looked to the north I could see an orange glow between the clouds and the ground. This made everything even more strange. It was an almost ambient feeling, which I knew was the most dangerous feeling of all. When one expects danger they are at least prepared for it, but when one is caught unawares it makes things tenfold worse. There was an eerie silence in the trees, the shivering and groaning had ceased and now everything stood completely still. Amongst the trees I could no longer see that glow to the north and everything became very dark. I was forced to proceed mostly by feel, grasping from tree to tree. There was no path for me to follow and I had no idea in which direction I was going, but it seemed that I had been moving through this forest for an eternity. For the first time throughout this journey I felt tired, but not just tired, completely exhausted. Each step I took made my feet feel heavier, like I had hooks attached to them that dug themselves deeper into the ground with each step. My shoulders too began to feel heavy, then my arms, my legs, and even my head was only head slightly up with much difficulty. As my pace slowed down because of the immense weight, the silence began to break and I could here a clanging of metal striking metal coming to my ears. It was distant at first, but grew louder and closer until it was all around me. Only then did I stop and look down only to see, in just a hint of light that traipsed through the trees, shackles and chains made of black iron around my wrists, waist, ankles, and I could feel a collar around my neck.


The weight of my burden was immense and I could feel them dragging behind me. With every step I took the weight only seemed to increase, as if there were anchors burrowing themselves into the ground. Had I looked behind me I would have seen them there sharp and barbed holding tight to the soft forest soil. As I struggled hard to continue forward, the noise of my bondage grew until it became painful to my ears. My muscles ached and I felt like I was short of breath. My situation had become utterly dismal, and I regretted ever embarking on this journey in the first place. My mood only grew darker and with it I noticed the wind picking up, blowing hard against me, making the push forward even more difficult. There was a flash, and in the brief illumination I could see a narrow path that went on farther than my vision could see. In the blink of an eye the darkness returned and then the thunder rolled overhead. It was thunder like I had never heard before. Most of the time one hears thunder overhead and it might rattle a thin window, but there is generally nothing to fear. This thunder, however, was everywhere. The sound seemed to come from all directions around me and the ground shook beneath my feet like an earthquake, which caused me to stumble. I was shaken to the very core of my being and my fear that I had conquered came creeping back into my mind. Once the thunder faded and the sound of my chains returned, I could hear the sound of heavy footsteps approaching from behind me. These are the same steps I had heard before when I felt this same sort of fear not so long ago. I struggled hard against the chains trying to escape the frightful sound, but I only slowed myself down more. In a panic I clawed at the bonds trying to pry them from my body, but they wouldn't move. It was then that I noticed the footsteps had stopped and I could hear the rhythmic breathing of something very large behind me. I didn't dare look back not only because of my anxiety of whatever was behind me, but because of what I had learned from him. My panic turned to terror and then I heard a voice from within me, “It is you who are binding yourself,” my heart said to me, “you have forged these chains and anchors with your own doubts and inhibitions.” And then I replied to my heart, “How can that be? These just appeared here how could I be responsible?” “Fool, have you learned nothing? Your fear binds you, now more severely than ever. Everything you see is made by you, even what you fear most, the unknown,” scolded my heart. Finally, I began to look back on all the things I had seen so far and how I had affected them with my will and passions. Things had changed when I willed them to, as in a dream. My heart was telling me what my mind would not accept and I realized that I was afraid of nothing, but my own doubt. My heart exclaimed, “Now you know! Be free and fear nothing! You are strong and need only depend on your own means. Your power arises within you. Shake off these bonds and step forward!” With that I grabbed my chains and yanked them from my body, they shattered in my grasp and disintegrated into dust. A gray light pierced the darkness and shone upon me, narrow at first and then suddenly widening across the sky. I blinked once and when my eyes opened again everything was illuminated. Not only this, but I could see the end of the forest path ahead.

Out of Apathy, pt. 18

The plateau I was standing on at the top of the cliff was fairly large, it was like a giant step on a staircase up the mountain, and the next step was the top. Not wanting to waste anymore time I rushed toward the next slope leading up the mountain and began climbing as fast as I could. I leapt from boulder to boulder all the way up and felt like I was moving so fast that I would reach my goal in no time; however, as I pushed myself faster the summit seemed to approach slower. In my confusion I began to slow down and noticed the pace of my progress slowly returning to normal until I was back at a simple hiking pace. There came a voice again from beneath me somewhere that I could hear, but not within my ears. “You must not rush through your challenges or you may miss something,” it said from somewhere. At this point I noticed something ahead of me slightly off the path I had chosen for myself. I couldn’t tell what it was at first, but as I approached, it became clearer. The red stag I had seen earlier in the woods was standing off the path, and once I recognized it an intense glow emanated from it.

”You would have passed right by me,” the stag said to me in a low rumbling voice that shook the ground, “why are you in such a rush?”

My eyes strained against its brightness and my words were somehow diminished, “I was caught up in the moment, and I wasn’t expecting to see another along the way.”

”Always expect someone, then you will never be surprised,” he replied, “Do you know who I am?”

”You are him,” I replied meekly.

“That is correct, I am he who has always roamed these woods and he who has helped to guide along the way. Stop looking at the ground and gaze upon me, I shall not bring you harm.”

”I’m afraid I can’t because your brilliance burns my eyes.”

”Nonsense! You are as luminous as I am and yet I am able look upon you!”
At this point I looked up once again and noticed that, though he remained just as bright, somehow I was able to look upon him now.

“You say I am as luminous as you, but how can this be? Surely, such a creature as I am cannot shine as brightly as one who has walked eternally in these woods, tamed the mighty nature, and fathered Time,” I asked him feeling slightly confused and totally in awe of this presence before me. His reply was even more shocking than his statement earlier.

“Ha,” he bellowed, “surely the created can not shine brighter than the creator!”

“What do you mean,” I asked even more confused than ever.

“Isn’t it obvious. You are the one who has created me, the luminous being who sparked my existence.”

“I created you? How could I have created you? I am just a man, and you have always walked these woods.”

“How little you understand, but that is why you created me. You made me to understand. You created me to be your guide, to be the reason behind your existence, but you never gave me a name. I am called him only for lack of a better word because you could not make a word to describe me. Do not look so surprised, I am only one of an infinite number of beings created in such a fashion. We exist for you and those of your kind as mediators. We help to cope with a world that you create, to explain the discrepancies, but mostly you and your kind need help through your emotions.”

“My emotions?”

“Look back upon yourself, you have become distant and detached from your emotions. You have forgotten how it feels to feel. This was part of the journey, but not the whole, there is another important part; however, you are not ready for it yet. I cannot show you the end, only the way. Remember that I am only a your creation. I am the things you already know, but are not willing to accept that you know. I am also your limitations because you have made me to be that way. I fathered Time only because you thought you needed him, but I can see him slowly dying in your eyes because you are beginning to see how unnecessary he is.”

“What of nature?”

“She is another matter. She is not a creation of yours. She is the all consuming and we are just a part of her. The beauty she exudes is terrifying, as is her fury, and she is unforgiving. This is not out of malevolence, but more out of indifference. Although she created you and your kind, she is incapable of the emotions. Emotions are an anomaly spawned from the things she created. In this way you are superior to her, and can surpass her. Things will become clearer as you continue this journey. You are not meant to understand everything now, but it will come and you will see the way to surpass her. Now, you must go and continue on your way.”

“Wait, I have more questions,” I cried out, but all in vain because he turned and in a single bound disappeared. Things were now more distorted than ever, and I felt very dizzy. I sat down to compose myself, and slowly came back to my senses. This encounter had given me much to think about, but I had to continue on my journey because I knew that I couldn’t stop now.

His words stuck with me and I knew that I would have to pace myself for the rest of the climb. I wasn’t sure what it was that I would miss along the way (because I thought the goal was the most important aspect of the journey), but I knew that he was not one to be disregarded. The things he had told me were strange and I didn’t know really what to think of them. How was it that I had created him? He was an entity separate from me and not only that he was a different species. Though I couldn’t exactly understand what he had said, it seemed to make sense. It was like when one does a math problem and seems to be blindly plunging into the work, but somehow reaches the end. Or perhaps a better example is language.

For most people speaking their native language is second nature and, for the educated, writing is also of the same status. A person recognizes that certain formations of sentences are odd or just plain wrong, but they cannot always tell you why these sentences are wrong. Most responses come as, “I don’t know why, but it just isn’t right.” These people don’t exactly understand the reasons why a sentence makes sense, but it does nonetheless. This was my situation and with him gone I was left with questions and no answers, but the situation I was in left me with no option except to trust him. A person, such as I am, does not appreciate predicaments like this because I am inquisitive and want to know why I should be doing something before diving headfirst into it. If I cannot see the sense of the result then I am not likely to engage in the activity. There are those who live a spontaneous lifestyle, never planning anything and functioning on a whim, but I am not likely to proceed in such a manner. I appreciate habit and the comforts it brings. Through habit I am able to be productive and live a lifestyle that is accommodating. There are times when it lacks excitement, but I would trade excitement for security and safety.

This was the mentality I have had all my life, until recently that is, until I decided to go out on this adventure and leave everything behind. From what I had found so far, all that routine and comfort had been nothing, but a waste of my life. Like Don Quixote I had spent my time with my nose in books reading about adventure and never embarking on one. Luckily for me, I was not out jousting windmills; instead I was talking to strange men in caves and taking advice from a talking deer. Perhaps I looked like a fool, like Don Quixote, and I was imagining everything, but I had no Sancho to help me. I was in this on my own and had only my senses to trust, hoping they would guide me to whatever end I was seeking.

Out of Apathy, pt. 17

He stood up with this last statement and I looked up at him. By now I’m sure that my eyes were as big as saucers and I must have lost all my features of wisdom because I felt as if I had become a child again. When I didn’t rise he struck me and told me to stop acting like a fool. Snapping from my daze, I said my goodbyes to the strange hermit and looked up toward the peak of the mountain. In the darkness of night it was difficult to make out the peak, and I was unsure for a moment if it even had one. The mountain seemed to rise higher and higher, stretching beyond the sky and straight into the heavens. For a moment I could feel seeds of doubt sprouting within my bowels, but I remembered the words of the hermit and shook the feelings away. There was only one way, and that way was up. I put one foot forward and made my up the slope.

Though there was no moon out, the night seemed to be very brightly lit by the amount of stars that were scattered all over the sky. It was bright enough to penetrate the trees and light a path in front of me and even if I couldn’t see very far ahead of me, as I walked forward things seemed to illuminate, like I had light coming from my body. The traveling was very easy through these woods and I felt very light even with the talk of “trial” from the hermit. As I proceeded I began to have the feeling that I was being watched, so I stopped to look around. Around me, in the woods away from the path, all I could see was blackness. It seemed that the starlight did not penetrate through the treetops away from the path. I called out to see if anyone was there, but I received no response and the feeling persisted. Resigning myself to being watched by what was surely just a forest animal, I continued onward. After I had gone another few feet there was the sound of movement that was in sync with my footsteps.

At first I couldn’t tell which direction is was coming from, but eventually I could tell that it was behind me. The steps didn’t seem to be human and whatever was walking was very heavy. Now a slow fear was creeping through me because not only was I being stalked by something unknown, it was apparently quite large. My pace quickened in hopes that it would lose interest, but as I walked faster so did it. Finally, I broke into a run, never looking back because now the words of the hermit came back to me. I tried to allow his words to flow through me and find the strength to absolve my fear. Within me I could feel my doubt fading and the fear subsiding, trusting in the hermit’s words somehow brought comfort to me and I stopped running. Right where I was I stopped and so the following steps stopped too. “I do not fear you,” I yelled out and surprised myself with the booming of my voice, which sounded much more like a lion’s roar than a man’s voice, “you will not hinder me any more. There is something building in me that I cannot explain, a passion, and with it I can tackle any obstacle. You are a mere trifle in my path and my power surpasses you. You who trail behind me, but can never catch me. You who would be the hunter to dominate me can never force me to succumb to you because your weapon is fear, and fear is only a weakness. My will to succeed, my Strength, is linked with my passion and together they are unstoppable. Now, go! Pursue some weaker foe with whom you may hope to subdue, but I will not be your prey.”

When I had finished these last words and began my ascent again, there were no trailing footsteps anymore, and though I could still feel eyes watching me, they no longer held any weight on me. The path became suddenly steep and as I climbed up the trees disappeared from around me. From here on I would be climbing up toward the peak of the mountain, but to my left and right I could see wide paths leading around the mountain. For a moment I hesitated because these paths were very appealing because they surely provided and easy route around the mountain; however, I put no lightness on the words of the hermit. In order to meet the challenge I had to go over the mountain, no matter how difficult it seemed looking up from the bottom.

The climb was simple at first because I was able to walk up the steep path, but as I ascended higher I was forced to begin climbing. Large boulders provided a good route for climbing and I found myself making my way up still fairly easily. Eventually I reached a point where I could not go any farther forward and up. In front of me stood a sheer cliff that went straight up at least 20 meters. When I walked around to see if I could find another route up there was nothing except drop offs on either side. As I looked more closely at the cliff there were indentations that looked deep enough for me to use them as holds for climbing. I had only been rock climbing once or twice, but I did fairly well; however, this was a completely different situation. Here I had no safety ropes, there was no trained expert at the bottom guiding me up, and there was no guarantee of being able to find holds all the way up the cliff face. Just when I began to feel fear and doubt making their way back into my mind, I shook myself and grabbed a hold of the wall before they could grip me once again.

My hands and feet gripped firmly to the wall and I was able to make my way up without much difficulty at first. There were ample places for me to grab during the first leg of the climb, but as I went higher they became farther apart. When I reached about fifteen meters up I reached a point where I stretched across the wall as far as I could and it still wasn’t far enough to reach the next hold. Pushing myself as hard as I could towards the hold my toes gave way and my foot slipped out of its hold. A sudden panic came over me in that moment, but I managed to think quickly before the panic had the opportunity to conquer my judgment. With my foot free I swung my weight out towards the hold before I began to fall and I managed to jam my fingers in far enough to grip it. My fingers gripped hard as I swung back and forth like a pendulum hanging from the wall. Using my feet I stopped myself from swinging and tried to find a place to put them into the wall to take the weigh from my hand.

It was then that I realized how little strain I felt in my arm, though I should have been dramatically fatigued from the climb so far and this situation, somehow I didn’t feel the least bit tired. There was no hold near the one my hand was in except one that was about a half meter above it. Before I would never have been able to pull myself up with one hand, but Strength was within me now and making this jump was surely no match for my Strength. Seemingly with no effort I pulled myself up and grabbed the hold with more speed than I had anticipated, so I almost overshot it. As I grasped it with one hand, I reached up with the other searching for another place to grasp, and when I had found one my momentum only increased until I felt like I was barely gripping the wall at all. The last five meters seemed like I was flying up the cliff face instead of climbing, and before I knew it I was at the top. Though I had not yet reached the summit, the rest of the climb seemed less intimidating now and the end was in sight. Suddenly the top of the mountain didn’t seem to be beyond the sky, or maybe I had gone into the heavens without realizing it. Up here the stars not only looked brighter, but much larger to and I could only wonder how things would look from the summit.

Feasting Day

To many in the U.S. tomorrow is thanksgiving or as my wife and I like to call it, "Feasting Day". A celebration of food and family. We will be spending it with her parents and having an almost completely vegan feast. I say almost because her parents will be dining on a meat dish of some sort while we are enjoying her delicious seitan roast. Thanksgiving here in the U.S. is all about the turkey and it is to the point that the President actually chooses one to "spare" from the slaughter on this holiday, which seems sort of silly given the millions who have been ruthlessly and brutally killed to satisfy the cravings of the masses.

For those that know me, I have been vegan for about two years now, and have come to see the strong link between my lifestyle choice and my philosophy on life. There are a lot of ethical issues concerning the use and abuse of animals, too many for me to include here without people thinking "tl;dr", so I think I should focus on the thing closest to this holiday, namely the turkey. First, there is a general conception that people are basically doing the bird a favor by eating it because they are "stupid". While this statement seems to be true based on behavior exhibited by farmed turkeys, it's far from accurate based on the animals natural behaviors. Farmed turkeys are bred fast to be fat and docile. I've heard stories about turkeys standing outside in the cold and freezing to death with an open barn in front of them. The effects of conditioning are pretty astounding, even humans can show this sort of ridiculous behavior if they have been conditioned properly. The wild turkey (where farm turkeys are bred from) does not behave this way and is in fact intelligent and social. So, no we are not doing any favors to the animal by killing it.

So that makes this about gluttony and fulfilling our desire to consume them. To make this palatable desire a reality, turkeys are bred extremely quickly and kept well confined to limit the amount of fat loss. Crammed in dimly lit barns and standing in their own filth many die before slaughter due to disease and stress. The image of the turkey that you see is not the reality:

Image


Reality


The fact is that most people simply don't care about the suffering of these animals because "that's what they are there fore." But what if one asks themselves why that is the case? Consider a dog, wouldn't it be considered animal abuse to raise a dog in such an environment? Yes, it would. There are strict laws against puppy mills. Why is the plight of the turkey so different? People own dogs or cats and think it's awful when someone abuses them, but then they go back to eating that steak in front of them. One can say that a pet becomes part of the family and so it is different in some way. Then we must conclude that is because of how it is raised and not based on species. But then let me present this scenario, someone owns a dog and a cat. The cat is raised as part of the family, given attention, love and kept inside. The dog is raised as livestock, fed to become fat and kept at a distance from the family to be slaughtered for meat later. Most people probably would say that is terrible to treat a dog that way. Why? What is so different? Nothing, that's what. It's all a matter of conditioning. It's someone telling you this animal is for eating and this animal is for loving.

By participating in this kind of behavior, you are showing species-ism. Just as terrible as racism or sexism, but ignored by most. Think about that as you sit down for dinner tomorrow. Think about the life that bird in front of you likely led and the slaughter it had to endure so that you could consume its flesh for no other reason than your own aesthetic pleasure. Was the trade off worth it? If on some level you feel that it might be wrong, then congratulations because you still have a shred of humanity left, but if no part of you cares then I challenge you to examine yourself and realize how apathy leads to so much suffering.

Out of Apathy, pt. 16

The man was dressed in robes that were worn with age and they flowed about him as he strode, making him look quite majestic. His hair was completely white and one couldn’t tell where it ended and his beard began; both of which hung down to his waste. He wore no shoes, but his feet did not look worse for wear even though it was apparent that he had been hiking these woods for many years. Though he didn’t look surprised at my presence he stared at me for a long time. His eyes were small and black amidst the mass of hair on his face, but they were also bright and piercing. The gaze he gave me seemed to go straight through me, and was almost painful. I felt that I couldn’t look him directly in the eyes and turned my face away. Time seemed to stretch on and on, but I knew only moments were passing. Each time I looked up at him, I was forced to turn away.

Finally he spoke in a deep, booming voice that commanded attention, “Well, are you just going to stand there staring at the ground like some kind of groveler or are you going to come and sit with me?” His question startled me at first, not just because we had been in silence for so long but also because I wasn’t exactly sure he could speak. Now it wasn’t that I thought he was primitive in any fashion because his presence seemed educated, but I was surprised he could speak because I had heard tails of hermits losing their powers of speech for sheer lack of someone to talk to. This was not the case, however, for him. Another reason I was surprised was that no one had directly spoken to me in a while now and I was beginning to doubt my own existence! At first I didn’t respond to his question because I was unsure of what to say, but eventually I uttered, “oh, yeah, sure…I was about to…I mean…” “Confound it man! Stop stammering and come with me,” he replied to my incoherence and began walking toward the cave. Despite my apprehensions I followed him into the cave.

Inside the cave was nothing surprising, it was fairly large, and there was a few rocks placed like chairs toward the entrance. A bedroll was rolled up against the wall of the cave, but it looked like it had never been used. Other than these items, there was nothing else in the cave. The man immediately sat on one of the rocks and indicated for me to do the same on the other. When I hesitated he became insistent, “don’t dilly dally, we wouldn’t want to waste time.” I sat down without saying a word and then looked up at him. His eyes were still brilliant in the dim of the cave, but somehow I was able to bear it now. Next, I had one of the most interesting conversations I have ever had:

The Hermit: How is it that you have come into my realm?

-Well, it sounds kind of ridiculous, but…

The Hermit: Ridiculous? I will decide what is ridiculous. Tell me the truth and I will not doubt you. I can see through men.

-I came with a truck driver to a gas station somewhere on the other side of that valley down there, and there was an eagle in the sky who led me into the woods.

The Hermit: Ha-ha! Was that you? (He looked outside the cave at a massive eagle that was perched on a branch; presumably it was the one I had followed before.) Were you leading him to me? You must be something if he led you here.

-I’m not exactly sure what you mean. Do you communicate with this animal?

The Hermit: Of course I do! I talk to all of my animals. They are much wiser than men. Now finish your tale.

-After I entered the woods, I became lost, but a red stag guided me through them and into the valley on the other side.

The Hermit: Oh you saw him. This is quite an occasion. He doesn’t come out for just anyone you know, but we’ll talk about that later, now finish.

(By now my curiosity about this strange man had been peaked, but I knew from his tone that I should ask questions later.)

-When I entered the valley I became lethargic and content and rested against the tree. It was very strange because I became so apathetic, and then a figure spoke softly to me with a man’s voice. He urged me to stay there in that place, but I ignored his words and ran off toward the woods at the base of this mountain. After I passed through the woods, I ended up here by your cave.

The Hermit: That is quite the story you’ve spun there, but I believe every word of it because I’ve seen and heard stranger things and I was there of course.

-Wait, what? How were you there this is the first time I’ve ever seen you.

(And then I realized the truth before he even said it)

The Hermit: Why it was me, of course, who was speaking to you by that tree in the valley. You looked much different then.

-Why were you trying to stop me from moving on? Especially in that awful place…wait, how do I look different, that was only yesterday?

The Hermit: I was trying to save you from the pain of leaving that place. You see, once you leave there, you can never go back. Despite what you might think, you will never find that place again. Was it really awful? Could you say that you have been more at peace in your life?

-No, I can’t say I have ever felt peace like that, but I didn’t feel good either. I simply felt empty and devoid of feeling at all. If I can never go back there, then how did you find me there?

The Hermit: You are making assumptions, my friend. I said that you could never go back that there, nothing in that says anything about me. But because you brought it up I will attempt to explain. I found you there, but when I was there it was a different place than what you experienced. Even though we were in the same place we were experiencing completely separate phenomena. I could tell by your appearance that you were in that place, especially the way you were clutching that clump of dirt as if it were some luscious fruit. I only encouraged you to stay because I too have been there, and now wish I had stayed.

-How is that even possible, experiencing different realities?

The Hermit: Ha! Don’t act so surprised! Surely you have seen things seen things stranger than this. The world is not as neat and orderly as you would like to believe. We like to conform the world into a little box and limit our imaginations, so we can cope with reality. But when you let the world take the lead on your reality, you find much more interesting things can happen.

(I was mesmerized by his words, and despite how unbelievable they might have sounded I took in everything he said, soaking it up like a sponge)

-You never answered me before. How is it that I look so different than last time you saw me?

The Hermit: Don’t think that I had forgotten your question! You say that our meeting occurred yesterday, but what exactly do you mean by yesterday?

-How can you ask such a question? I mean the day before today, of course, before the night passed last.

The Hermit: I stopped counting days long ago. Time only has meaning if you want it to. I am no longer a slave to that tyrant who dominates men! I have fought and defeated time at his own game. ‘Submit!’ he cried, and when I refused he lost all power, turned and disappeared. Out here submission leads to the death of spirit, one must use his Strength and Will to rend his would be enemies asunder. Now, I say you look different because indeed you do. Your appearance is very different than when I saw you last.

-How is that?

The Hermit: When I saw you before you had the look of a young man, naïve, but leery of things that were out of the ordinary. Now you have a much bolder look about you. Your hair has begun to turn much as mine did once. In your eyes, I no longer see youth, but age and wisdom.

(With all that had transpired this didn’t surprise me, but I did wonder if I truly did look older or if I just felt that way. Something about this place was making me feel aged. In the air was the sense of countless ideas that must have passed through this man’s mind. I wondered how long he had been there by my time measurement.)

-Why have I changed?

The Hermit: You have changed because, by leaving your apathy behind and grabbing hold of your passion, you have embarked on the real journey, the pursuit of knowledge.

-But I thought that I had been pursuing knowledge before?

The Hermit: Knowledge is not gained by reading books! The dusty thoughts of some dead philosopher help no one. One must go out into the world to discover his reality. He must speak to the world and listen for its answer. Those scholars locked away in their libraries know nothing of knowledge. Their knowledge is limited by the boundaries of their lifetime, but my knowledge is eternal and because my knowledge is eternal, so am I.

(This last statement stunned me, and my eyes became wide. It was as if I had been asleep and dormant all my life, and now I had been awakened by this man’s words)

The Hermit: At last you realize the truth! I knew you would! Many are unable to understand or accept the true reality of things, but I knew that you would.

-Yes, I do. I can’t explain how, but you have awoken me from my slumber. Everything seems so clear now. Before I would have said that this was an insane notion, but after everything that has transpired I understand.

The Hermit: Then you have begun the transformation. It is long and arduous, but wholly worthwhile. Of course you no longer have a choice. You have already embarked on the journey and you cannot turn back. This place around you is nothing, but the first stepping-stone. It is the plateau where you may rest and survey your surroundings before beginning the climb. Here you can turn and look back upon the way you came, but ahead you cannot. Turning back implies doubt and on this path one must never doubt. This is my sin, I doubted and turned to look down on the path, and now I must remain here. My only purpose now is to lead those who pass through here; however, wanderers are very few anymore because people have lost their faith. They no longer trust their passions, their emotions, the very essence of their being. The people of your time have forgotten their nature and created a new “nature” with laws and morals. Nature serves no one, not even him.

-That is the second time you have mentioned him. Who is he, and why do you regard him with such reverence?

The Hermit: If you knew him as I do, you would never think to ask such a question. This is not because it is taboo, but because he explains himself. He is a guide for those who are lost, a seeker for those waiting to be found. While some animals can be trained and put to use, he cannot be tamed. His presence has always been here, before, that villain, Time was born. Some of the animals have told me that he is the father of Time, and Nature is Time’s mother. She is the fury, the tempest, and he is the guiding light that will lead you to shore. Nature is fierce and has become especially weary of us men, but he speaks softly to her and convinces her that we are trying to right our wrongs. Eventually, he will lose, but not because he is weak, only because Time will be on his deathbed and the end will be at hand. Nature will unleash her scorn upon us, and nothing will remain of our kind. After that, things can begin again.

You must be on the grandest of adventures if he has appeared before you. From what I know, he guides those that are lost, but never shows himself. In all my wanderings of this realm, I have yet to meet him and if it were not for the animals I would doubt his existence. I would put him among those religious phantasms created by ignorant men. Now I see that my rambling is not only hindering you from this path, but it is obstructing his plans. The sun has gone to sleep in the west and the stars are beginning to shine, this is the best time to travel. You must climb the mountain, do not try to circumvent it because this will lead you astray. This is a trial that must be faced. Now my friend, go and do not look back. The path is forward!

Out of Apathy, pt. 15

While all of this had been going through my mind, I could feel myself becoming more and more agitated, which was almost a new sensation. My passions were slowly returning to me out here in the real world, away from the cold, concrete world that had been built up by people. Out here I could feel the ground beneath my feet, and it was soft and moist. This was true freedom, not freedom granted to you by an overarching government, but this was freedom of spirit. In this wilderness I could truly do what I wanted without fear of anything happening that wouldn’t be the result of nature. In the day and age that I had been living, disappearing like this wasn’t really freedom because someone would report me missing and a search would commence, but somehow this was different. I felt that I was really free and there were no worries of ever being found, it was a feeling I couldn’t really explain, it was more of an instinct. Only when one experiences liberty of this sort can that person really understand the lack of it they have amongst other people.

The plants and animals will never censor the things you say. There are no children’s ears to “damage” with “foul” language. No subject is too taboo for the trees. There is no murder because, in nature, one must only survive. One kills only to eat or to defend oneself because death otherwise would serve no other purpose than to boost an ego, but who would that person be trying to impress except themselves. There are no crimes here, no judges and no jury; the human mind is the only thing that can act in this way because it is the only thing with the ability to reason. When one abandons this capacity, one loses the last limit on humanity and returns to the realm of the animals where instinctual morals are the only limits. When these are stripped away, one becomes akin to the plant life that does not have the ability to think or feel, as we understand it, and is free from these limits. Yet as one progresses upward in degrees of freedom in this way, one loses freedoms in other ways. As a tree it is limited by its inability to move or think and as an animal one is unable to reason, in both of these one loses the very thing that makes him human. One chooses to accept the limitations that come with humanity because he does not want to lose the ability to reason. This is why an escape to the wilderness is something that can be so helpful to people because one can return to nature without losing what makes him human. In death one finds true freedom. The sleep of death provides escape from the limits on everything living and one can truly say they are limitless with one exception. The exception is that one is no longer free to live.

Evidently all this thought had taken more time than I realized because a dull light began to pierce the darkness of the sky. I was not the least bit tired and I was able to make out my surroundings once again, so I stood up and began to make my up through the woods. The forest was very dense, so the going was tough. There was no real trail for me to make my way and I had to step along on the undergrowth, being mindful to not lose my footing. If I fell and hurt myself here, no one would be there to help me and I doubt I would ever be found. It was strangely quiet there, I couldn’t here any of the forest sounds that one would expect. There was no breeze, the air hung still and thick. The only noticeable noise was the sound of my feet, padding along the ground, but even this was only slight because the ground was plush. Finally, when I felt that I couldn’t stand this silence anymore, I could see a clearing up ahead.

I quickened my pace and made way for the sunlight. At the clearing, I could hear the sounds of nature once again. Birds were chirping from the trees and I could here the wind blowing through. In the center of the clearing was a small pond, and on the other side of the pond I could see a large cave into the side of the mountain. Just outside the cave was a fire pit that had obviously been well used. The rocks it was made of were all black and charred, and the ashes of an uncountable amount of fires lay inside. This was the first sign of human life I had seen since I left the truck driver at the gas station. Though I had been enjoying the time to myself, the knowledge that someone else was out here was a little reassuring.

I began to wonder what sort of person it was that was out here in the wilderness. Could it have been someone like me who was lost on the way to somewhere, or was it someone who left everything behind to be one with his nature? How long had this person been out here, could he (or she) have been living here for years? My interest was peaked by this last thought and I began to hope that whoever it was had been in this place for many years. If this was the case then I could ask him (or her) so many questions about what was seen and thought about in the solitude. Could this person still even speak with no one else to talk to? I began walking around toward the cave to see if I could meet whoever lived there, and I heard a noise somewhere in front of me. Out of the woods ahead of me came a wild looking man who didn’t seem the slightest bit surprised by my presence.

Out of Apathy, pt. 14

{So it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Sorry about that! I would like to regale you with how I haven't found time to post because I was busy slaying dragons and battling evil wizards, but the truth is that I just haven't posted. Ruby June and I did go Iceland however for 2 weeks, which was pretty epic and amazing! Seriously, go there. Now. On to the next part...}

Once I started walking the brilliance of the stag began to lessen and the sunlight passing through the trees became visible again. I could still see the stag ahead of me, bounding ahead and then stopping to watch me follow. My full concentration was on the animal and I no longer noticed whether I was going up or down hill anymore. As we proceeded through the woods I noticed the trees becoming less dense as I moved forward. Eventually the trees became sparse enough that I could see a clearing on what looked like a peak, and I concluded that I had reached the top of the hill. By the time I had walked into the clearing the stag disappeared somewhere and I was left alone again. It must have been early afternoon because the sun was just past its apex in the sky.

Looking back behind me I could no longer see the gas station in the distance, only a vast expanse of land. In the other direction I could see a low valley that led up into a range of mountains not too far away. Was this direction I was supposed to go? Surprisingly, this was the only question that entered my mind at that time. In my moment of doubt, I felt a low rumbling under my feet and I knew that it was a confirmation of my instincts. On the other side of the hill there was a significantly less amount of trees, so I felt more confident traversing downward. At the bottom of the hill, on the valley floor, the grass was long and lush. The ground felt very soft under my feet and I could hear birds cooing from somewhere. The whole atmosphere in this place was very soothing and began to make me feel quite drowsy. A sweetness filled the air and the smell not only excited my nostrils, but my taste buds as well.

This place was like nothing I had ever experienced before and my determination began to fade because I didn’t want these feelings to fade. My pace began to slow and the path I walked was no longer straight as I was letting my hands pass through the waist high grass. There was a single tree nearby and began to walk toward to take a short break from my journey. Beneath the tree there was a small pond with fish swimming in it. The tree itself was an apple tree and the apples all seemed to be ripe and ready to fall from the sinking branches. I plucked one from the tree, washed it off in the pond, and sat with my back against the tree to eat my snack. Oddly enough I wasn’t even hungry, but somehow the fruit from the tree was irresistible and I just had to have a piece of it. However, before I could even take a bite, the drowsiness I had been feeling became much more intense and my eyelids began to feel very heavy. It was a strange sensation because I never fell asleep, but I couldn’t move; I had fallen into some kind of trance and was unable to shake myself free.

Everything around me became distorted, as if the colors had all been pushed outside of their boundary lines. When the wind blew I could see the changing light patterns on the grass that was swaying. Besides this motion there was another movement, a dark shape moved across my field. I couldn’t tell what exactly it was, but it walked upright and was moving toward me. Finally it stopped right in front of me and seemed to be only inches from my face. “Lovely day, isn’t it,” the shape said to me, and I could only moan some sort of affirmation in reply. After my murmur the shape chuckled and said, “you do seem to be enjoying it. I would never leave here if I could, but I’ve got a job to do. Always work to be done.” The shape’s voice trailed off and it began to move away out of my line of sight.

After my brief encounter with that odd shape I could no longer tell how much time had passed. Time seemed to have no meaning in this place, things just happened as they did. There was never a beginning or end, so to make a temporal reference would be meaningless. One could certainly say that a patch of grass moved in a certain way before moving in another direction, but this observation was pointless because everything was in motion constantly, going back and forth. So perhaps a more accurate way to say it is that time was not meaningless, but just pointless. I would like to say that it was a very good feeling; however, this would be inaccurate. Things were not good or bad, they just were. Somewhere between the two extremes, without either of them actually existing. It was a constant middle state where no decision ever had to be made because none of them mattered. This place was apathy embodied in a physical form.


At some point during my haze under that tree things began to shift. Like someone adjusting the lens of a camera, things began to come into focus and there came a clarity like I had never known before. While I had good eyesight in general, this was a completely different sensation. I perceived colors like I never had before and I could pick out individual blades of the grass moving in the breeze. My eyes had become like those of the eagle who had guided me from the beginning. Then I began to notice sounds around me, not just those of the wind through the grass, but sounds of animals crawling along the ground somewhere in the distance and bugs moving about within the tree I was leaning against.

Just like the stag with its impeccable hearing, my hearing had improved significantly. Along with this sensory improvement related to my animal guides, my other senses had become heightened to an amazing extent. The sweet smell of the air was so intense now that it was almost unbearable, and smell found its way into my mouth, caressing my taste buds. The sleepy state that I had succumbed to before was now off of me and I felt invigorated once again. Despite the appeal to stay in this place, my drive was too much and I bounded off toward the mountains at full speed, dropping my apple onto the ground before I had even taken a bite of it because it suddenly lost its attraction. Only one thing mattered now and that was the path. “The path is forward.” Those words repeated in my head over and over again, they filled me with something that I had not felt before. All that apathy I had felt for most of my life seemed like wasted time with this new found enthusiasm.

Somewhere behind me I heard a voice calling me back, “why are you leaving? I thought we were just beginning to have some fun. Don’t go! Are you just going to leave all this behind? You’ll never find comfort like that you find here!” None of these words fazed me and I didn’t even turn around to see the speaker. The voice was just a distraction, just another thing trying to keep me from my destination. As I ran I felt my pocket and touched the square shape of the picture in my pocket bringing the image of the girl to my mind. Her voice from my dreams drove me harder and I ran faster and faster until the foot of the mountains approached so rapidly that I was unsure if I could stop in time before I ran right through them.


When I had realized how close I was to the thickening trees at the base of the mountains, I stopped running and stopped quite suddenly. The odd thing was that when I stopped there was no surge forward due to inertia; I just ceased to move, like I had run straight into a wall. However, the scenery around me took time to come back into focus and there was some reverberation back and forth when everything around me finally stopped moving. I looked up to survey the trek I was about to undertake and could see the top of the nearest peak at least a mile into the heavens. It was white against the blue backdrop of the afternoon sky and surely cast an intimidating shadow on the other side. The ground in front of me was beginning to climb up the slopes and I could see a dense forest taking shape along the way. Not wanting to become lost as I had before, I searched for a path into the trees.

Not too far away I could see a slight inlet and a clearing, and as I approached it I could see that it was actually a narrow path cut into the woods. The initial ascent was not too difficult and it reminded me of conquering the hill not too long ago, but as I progressed and the day wore on, the surface became much more steep. Eventually I was forced to begin climbing up large boulders. With the increasing darkness I was having a hard time seeing where I was going and was afraid I was going to lose my footing, so I thought I better stop for the night. I found a spot against a tree and leaned there looking up through the canopy.

Sounds of the night began to fill the air, there was the flapping of bats going through the air who were searching for their prey, nocturnal animals could be heard moving about in the trees and various other sounds that make many people nervous when they are all alone. There was no hostility here though; the sounds were actually quite calming because I could feel that life was all around me. No matter where I turned there was something alive, even the tree I was leaning against was alive, though it had ceased growing. I began thinking about the tree and all the things that it must have seen (if it had the ability to perceive). Inside its trunk there were countless numbers of insects crawling about in colonies, and surely in some of the higher parts were burrows in which squirrels hid their snacks. Birds built nests on its branches and gave birth to a new generation, which would continue their species. Around the other side of the tree was a hollow in between the roots; many animals of the forest had crawled into to spend their last days alone. Yet, they were never alone, the tree was there providing a quiet place for a peaceful death.

When the animals would die, their decomposing body would provide fodder for many of the insects living inside the tree and the waste of those insects would give nutrients to the tree. The breathing of the animals of the forest also provided life giving carbon dioxide to the tree, which would in turn provide oxygen for the animals to breathe. Everything out here seemed to have a cycle, and everything out here was dependent on each other, except me that is. I was of the species that left the forest and the plains, the species that tainted the lands. My species had lost touch with everything and began to consume more than it put back. This was the price my species paid for progress and technology.

When the people became comfortable in one place they propagated and began to destroy the land. At first the impact was not so profound, but as time wore on and the people became more advanced the affect became drastic. Suddenly there were talks of disappearing rain forests, global warming, and threats of nuclear war. Was the trade off really worth it? Are the comforts of entertainment and microwave dinners worth the loss of the land? Surely not, because one day the people will run out of resources to use up and there will be nothing left.

Discourse

I have a friend who posts videos on facebook quite a bit. Normally, they are music videos, videos about his sport, or funny things. But sometimes he posts on debatable topics. Recently, he posted a video that related to religion and problems that this girl saw with them. So, maybe that's not all it was about, but it was full of really weak arguments and pseudointellectual babbling. Here is the link:



So I called out some of the bullshit that I saw in the video. His response was less than satisfactory, basically just attempting to dismiss me and say he didn't want to argue.

I'm not trying to make him seem bad or anything like that, but this is something I see as a much bigger problem in general. It seems that discourse is being lost and people are just stopping their ears more and more when someone disagrees. It's especially disheartening when I see it among my friends. My thought is this: if you don't want to debate, then don't post something in a public place. Why would you demonstrate your support for someone's thought if you aren't prepared to defend that belief.

Am I out of line? I don't think so. If someone posts an opinion, I might disagree and I might say something, but if it goes to a standstill because it is a matter of opinion, then I'm fine with leaving it at that. But when someone is spouting something that is not factual, then I feel an obligation to point out that it isn't true. That is what I would expect someone to do for me and I am lucky enough to have someone who does just that for me.

Out of Apathy, pt. 13

It was a glorious thing to behold, that sunrise. The sun appeared to be many times its normal size and because of its low position on the horizon, it created immensely long shadows from the surroundings. Despite the beauty of the sunrise, these elongated shadows gave the morning an ominous feeling. The hills and plateaus around the gas station looked much taller and foreboding, and it sent a shiver through my bones. When I looked back towards that brilliant sunrise, however, all those feelings of apprehension faded and I was again filled with soft warmth. My eyes began to burn and I was forced to look away, but the image of the sun had burned its way into my retinas and all I could see was a large hemisphere that changed color each time I blinked.

As I tried to shake the image from my mind I noticed that the driver and the dog were both missing. I guessed that, while the truck was being fueled, he had taken the dog for a walk, and as I looked off to the left of the truck I could see him throwing a ball for the dog on the grass outside the parking lot. Deciding that getting out of the truck would probably do me some good; I opened the door and began walking toward the driver. He had ceased throwing the ball, and was down scratching and talking to the dog. “I know, boy, we should have been there by now, but that flat tire took a lot of time to fix. We’ll be on the road soon, then we can drop this load and take a nice vacation,” he said to the dog, who seemed very pleased with the plans. “Alright, let’s get back on it,” he said. The dog barked in agreement and bounded off toward the truck, looking back every 20 feet or so to make sure his friend was following.

I decided not to disturb the driver, who looked deep in thought, and stopped to take one last look at the surroundings before heading back to the truck. From here, those tall shadows looked less intimidating and I no longer felt that chill that I had before. Above me, there came a cry, so I looked up to investigate and saw a bird of prey gliding high in the sky. There was another cry and I began to wonder what it was calling to. It was then that I noticed the bird had been circling around where I was standing. When I moved to test this notion, the bird followed; however, its circles became a little elliptical and it seemed to be leading off away from the gas station and toward the hills. When I didn’t follow, the bird began to fly lower and its cries became more insistent. This lower altitude provided me with a clearer view of the bird and I could see it was a golden eagle, which struck me as strange because one doesn’t usually find them where I was. I could feel those sharp eyes burning into me and I could no longer resist its calls. When I began following its lead, the cries stopped and it took a more straightforward course ahead of me, but it was careful to circle back and assure my following every once in a while.

At this point I should have been thinking about my ride leaving without me because the driver is surely more concerned with his job than my transportation, but I was under some sort of spell by this bird. The hills that seemed so far away were suddenly right in front of me and seemed more like mountains from my position at their feet. The trees, which had been sparse before, were suddenly denser and I lost sight of my aerial guide. Ahead of me I could hear its cries once in a while, but they slowly faded until they altogether disappeared. Finally, the realization came over me that I had most likely missed my ride and was now lost in a strange wood. As I progressed I came upon a clearing with a large rock jutting from the side of the hill. In an attempt to gain a better view I clambered to the top of the rock and surveyed my surroundings.

The rock was sufficiently tall that I could see over the trees down the hill from me and see out across the field that led to the gas station I had come from. Apparently I had walked several miles in what seemed to be only a few minutes because the gas station was barely a speck in the distance. Fear began to creep into my mind because I was now in an unrecognizable environment and my ride had disappeared. From my experience, panicking is the worst thing one can do in a situation like this, so I sat down and tried to figure out what I was going to do. When I did so, a voice began to speak from somewhere. “You cannot go back. The path is forward, to retread old steps leads only to despair. The path is forward; you must face the fear of the unknown. The path is forward,” it said, but it was not a voice that I could describe in any meaningful way. I heard the voice, but not with my ears, nor was it inside my head; it was more of a feeling, or a vibration throughout my being. Stranger than this fact was that I understood exactly what the voice meant and stood up to make my away onward through the hills.

The path through the trees began to disappear and I had to make my through the dense forest with only an incline as my guide. Despite my walk uphill, somehow I found myself walking downhill without realizing it, so I turned around to walk back up the hill, but again a few minutes later I was going downhill again. Not only was the slope changing from uphill to downhill, but also the surroundings became more and more familiar as I realized that I was walking in circles. How I was walking in circles, I wasn’t sure because there was never any noticeable change in direction, as I was walking in a mostly straight path. A disturbance off to my right caught my attention and I looked over to see what had caused it. There was a stag standing not too far from me, and he was staring deep into me. His gaze seemed to look right through me and see into the very essence of my being. In the same way as the eagle before, the stag seemed to beckon me onward, and I felt the voice, again, resonating through me, “The path is dark. You will need a guide until you find what you seek. Many become lost here, but all find their way when they follow the light ahead.” It was then that the woods began to grow very bright, as if some brilliant star was there, illuminating the woods. However, there was no star, the light was coming from the stag. He had become a beacon for me to follow and the rest of the woods had become dark except for the narrow path of light from the stag that led right to me. With a new found assurance I began walking in the light unafraid and full of determination.

Out of Apathy, pt. 12

There was the sound of a car coming down the road, so I turned to try and flag it down. The headlights washed over me and I began waving my arms frantically and yelling for them to stop, but I was ignored and they continued on past me into the darkness. With a sigh I looked back towards the events that were happening above me, but to my surprise the stars had all resumed their normal positions and it was as if all that I had seen never occurred. Feeling very confused, I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. After feeling the sharp pain and nothing changed, I resigned myself to the fact that I must have imagined it and continued on my path. After walking for what seemed like ages, I began to see some light up ahead down the road. I let out a slight cry of joy and began to quicken my pace toward the lights.

It was an odd sensation, however, because I felt that no matter how fast I walked the lights remained the same distance away, as if I was walking backwards on a moving sidewalk one sees in an airport. Becoming more and more frustrated, I began to run toward the light, but the lights didn’t move. To my left and right I could see the scenery changing, so that I knew I must be moving (and in a forward direction because the landmarks on either side of me were moving behind me). I began to push myself harder and began running faster, but somehow I didn’t lose my breath and my legs never felt any more tired. The hills and plateaus out in the distance moved faster and faster away from me, until I could no longer recognize their shapes and everything turned into a blur. I focused ahead of me on those lights, which were just out my reach, and they still remained the same distance away.

I was moving so fast now that everything turned dark around me and I couldn’t see anything except the lights that were ahead of me. Finally, I realized that I was never going to make it to the lights in this way. I was moving at the speed of light (at the time it did not even occur to me how absurd this idea was) and everything around me had disappeared because the light could not reach me, but because I was traveling in the path of the light from those lights I was chasing, I could still see them. Whatever those lights were being emitted from was moving away from me at the same speed I was travelling. So I stopped running and began to feel a sense of hopelessness. How was I ever to catch up?

Something then creeped into my mind that I had learned once, and that was that the speed of light is a universal speed limit and nothing could break it. I began to think about what I could do if I couldn’t break that limit, and then I realized that I could just be there. The power of thought could be my transport to those lights, my thoughts existing outside of space and outside of time, and therefore not succumbing to the limiting laws of physics. We are limited in that we make such laws for ourselves, if we would only let our minds be free of such rigid structure we might see that the things we think are impossible, actually are possible. Our world is limited only by our mind, and our mind is limited by our rational element that dominates our imagination. In this world anything is possible, but we must allow our imagination to lead the revolution and take over our mind. All this went through my mind as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, when I opened my eyes again I was in the middle of the parking lot of the diner I had eaten at not that long ago.


The bright lights hurt my eyes because they had become so adjusted to the darkness in which had been moving for so long. Inside, I saw the tired waitress standing behind the counter filling up another cup of coffee for the truck driver who was harmlessly flirting with her. “Come on, I’ve got a big ol’ sleeper. You can come ride with me to Beaufort. It’ll be fun, and I swear I’ll be nice,” he smiled with a wide grin and innocent eyes at the waitress. She just shook her head, and gave him only the slightest hint of returning smile, but this was the most she could muster. He shrugged and then continued to drink his coffee. Around the corner of the building I found a pay phone and tried to make a call to triple A, but when I picked up the receiver all I heard was silence. I hung it up, and then tried again, still I heard nothing; so I made my way inside to see if they had a phone I could use inside.

When I walked inside I tried to get the waitress’ attention, but she seemed to look right through me and stare off at something far off in the distance behind me. The look she had struck me as odd because it wasn’t as if she was simply glazed over, but really seemed to not even recognize that I was there. “Excuse me,” I said and waved my hand slightly to try and break her concentration. The only reaction she gave was that she began to wipe down the counters, so I tried again several times and received the same result. Frustrated, I walked back outside to gather myself before I made another attempt. As I paced outside the man who had been flirting with the waitress came out and made his way toward his truck, then it struck me. Even if I am able to call and have my car towed somewhere, there is no way I could have it repaired, it was totaled, and I was being driven on this mission, of sorts, by some unseen force that I could not ignore. The truck driver’s words stuck out in my mind because he had said he was going to Beaufort, which was on the coast and could be my venue to set out and find the girl in the photograph.

I chased after the truck driver trying to get his attention as he was getting into his truck, and just as if he could read my mind, the passenger door opened and I was let into his truck. I climbed up onto the seat and thanked him profusely for letting me in. He didn’t respond, but seemed to nod in acknowledgement. He then let out a loud whistle, and just as I was about to shut the door, I heard a bark right next to me. A dog came springing out of the darkness, jumped in over me and climbed back behind the front seats in the cab. After some sniffing about his head reappeared between the seats and the truck driver scratched behind the dog’s ears and said, “let’s get back on the road. We should make it by sunrise, so you get some sleep.” I said thanks and as the engine started I sank back into the seat and fell asleep.


It was strange that I fell asleep so quickly because I seemed to have been spending most of the night sleeping with my late start going to work and being knocked unconscious after the accident; however, I hadn’t slept much the day before, and with all the trauma, I believe it was to be expected. There didn’t seem to be any transition into the dream-state as I continued to perceive everything happening around me. The lights of the truck flipped on and illuminated the parking lot, and soon enough we were driving down the road. Everything around the truck had become dark. The stars seemed to have been blotted out of the sky by some great ink well that had been spilled over the entire canvas.

All the shadows of the hills on either side of the highway disappeared, and the only thing that was visible we the narrow corridor of light in front of the truck. The driver seemed to be in his own world and concentrating on the road, so I didn’t want to talk to him and break his focus. As I stared ahead into what I could see from the glow of the headlights I began to notice the column of light becoming shorter. Like we were driving into an dark fog, the lights had less and less of an effect on the darkness around us, but the driver didn’t seem to take any notice of this. The truck also seemed to be accelerating, not as if the driver was trying to make it go faster, but as if we were being pulled forward by some tremendous force. I sat up in alarm as I felt the truck go faster and faster, and watched the lights get closer and closer to the truck until they almost faded completely and left us in complete darkness. “Do you see that?” I cried out, but the driver maintained his composure, as if nothing was happening. I wanted to shake him loose from his spell and yell at him, but I realized that that would not accomplish anything and it might even insult him. He was a professional driver after all and judging by his reaction, he must have encountered situations like this before, or he was asleep at the wheel.

Finally the light completely faded and suddenly a strange thing happened. The terrible pulling sensation I had been feeling grow stronger by the second ceased completely. Furthermore, I no longer even felt the vibrations from the wheels on the ground or the hum of the engine. I was now all alone in a dark void with no signs of anything around me, and it occurred to me that I could not feel the chair beneath me anymore and when I reached out I couldn’t feel the interior of the truck around me. Somehow I had been taken out of everything and been put into nothing, into vast emptiness, if it can be called vast. When there is nothing, it cannot be really described because to describe it would be say that there is something to describe. The emptiness wasn’t just a feeling of being surrounded, but it was feeling that fully consumed me. My entire being felt empty, it wasn’t lonesome because there wasn’t anything to be longing for, but it was painful nonetheless. Painful might not be the proper word either because pain insinuates a cause, this was a feeling that cannot properly be put into words.

Imagine being drained of everything that makes one human; all emotions, passions, longings, just everything, and all that is left are thoughts, empty analytic thoughts. Here there was no time and no space, so there was no reference for description, and I cannot say how long I was there, but I would have spent a million lifetimes in the most horrible prison on Earth than to have remained there. In the darkness there came a light, small at first, but growing in intensity. As the light began to grow brighter and seemed to come closer, I began to feel again. A warmth began coursing through my veins comforting me. The light began to take on a recognizable shape as it came closer; it was the shape of a woman daintily walking toward me, swinging one foot in front of the other. She began to speak soft words to me that made me shudder from pure adoration, “Pas encore amour. Tu as besoin de réveiller!” When she said this last line the light she exuded become so bright that it burned my eyes and I was forced to shut them. When I opened my eyes again I was back in the truck and we were pulling in to a gas station, and the sun was rising on the horizon.